Let's all lovingly look at Pakistan the way Katrina looks at this mango
Let's all lovingly look at Pakistan the way Katrina looks at this mango

The high road is for suckers. Know what's the best way to deal with conflict? Retaliation!

First India banned our actors, then our drama serials; what's next? We need to show them who's boss.

Read more: Indian film association bans Pakistani talent from working in India

This means that anything remotely Indian must go. Let's start with these eight:

1) Abs, especially Ranveer Singh's

We can't tell you how many Pakistani women have been disarmed by Ranveer Singh's abs.

Or how many people have been immobilised by Katrina Kaif's bod.

Surely this is a ploy to weaken us. Ban abs!

Abs are decidedly Indian. Ban them.
Abs are decidedly Indian. Ban them.

2) Vin Diesel

He was adorably fast and furious before he signed on to star in xXx: Return of Xander Cage with Deepika Padukone.

But now, with all that steamy cosying up, he's got Deepika cooties for sure. And Deepika is Indian, after all.

We declare Vin to be Indian by association.

So what if he's got a bod to die for? No more Vin! No more Vin!

Why Deepika, Vin? WHY?
Why Deepika, Vin? WHY?

FYI: The jury's still out on Dwayne Johnson.

We can smell what The Rock is cooking... and it smells like Bollywood
We can smell what The Rock is cooking... and it smells like Bollywood

3) Coldplay

The band had no problem appropriating Indian culture and offering bit parts to Sonam Kapoor.

But they don't come to Pakistan to shoot music videos on roofs and cash in on our slums. WHY? Discrimination. Ban them!

We're not going to let them gora the explorer on our turf!
We're not going to let them gora the explorer on our turf!

4) Mangoes

This Katrina is a big troublemaker. First the abs, then she gets up close and personal with a mango in this ad campaign.

Sorry Aamir Liaquat, we know this is the ultimate sacrifice, but anything licked by an Indian has to go.

BAN MANGOES!

That's being said, let's all lovingly look at Pakistan the way Katrina looks at this mango
That's being said, let's all lovingly look at Pakistan the way Katrina looks at this mango

5) Excessive gesticulation

Pfft, being too animated is for traitors. Aggressive arm movements are not for us.

And we thought SRK was bad, what with Modi's signature moves and all...
And we thought SRK was bad, what with Modi's signature moves and all...

Aim to be a potato instead.

Here is a totally unrelated picture of our Prime Minister.

6) Weight loss

Let Adnan Sami be the prime example of how treacherous weight loss can be.

Because along with excess fat, you apparently also end up losing any loyalty you had for your country. These darn "diets" (wink wink) have got to go!

No weight loss, no abs, no treason. It all makes sense.

Let's go back to the left, to left.
Let's go back to the left, to left.

7) Justin Trudeau

Just look at the way he's dancing, it’s like the beginning of every grand Bollywood number ever! Why you do this, Trudeau? Why you love bhangra?

Banned.

Anyone who randomly busts some bhangra moves (gasp!) ain't no friend of ours
Anyone who randomly busts some bhangra moves (gasp!) ain't no friend of ours

8) Pierce Brosnan

You can't sit with us if your retirement plan involves endorsing pan masalas in India.

We bet Daniel Craig's rethinking life after Bond; it doesn't seem too pretty
We bet Daniel Craig's rethinking life after Bond; it doesn't seem too pretty


Disclaimer: this article is categorised as humour/satire. Its content is not meant to be read literally, and the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer or the views of the IMAGES editorial staff.

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