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A comprehensive list of things you can 'lightly beat' other than your wife

A comprehensive list of things you can 'lightly beat' other than your wife

Because wife beating is bad, guys. Don't do it.
Updated 27 May, 2016

Old dudes say the darndest things, don't they?

Yesterday the Council of Islamic Ideology -- a body comprising elderly religious men -- made waves when its proposed ‘model’ women’s protection bill saw the light of day.

The CII's bill is a response to the Women's Protection Bill passed in the Punjab Assembly last year which, among other things, outlines punishment for those who commit domestic violence. The council clearly felt several clauses in the above bill could be made more perfect.

How so, you might ask? According to CII logic: reverse them.

That is how we arrived at the point where the CII's 'ideal' protection for women equals encouraging men to beat their wives. 'Lightly,' of course. And 'if needed.'

The bill left us scratching our heads. How, we wondered, could 'lightly beating' your wife be considered a good thing? Several hours and a dozen headaches later we gave up trying to mind meld with the CII.

Instead, to anyone who might be compelled to 'lightly beat' a woman, we offer alternatives. Because wife beating is bad. It is a crime, in fact. Here, have a go at this instead.

1) An egg

We understand that very few members of the CII might've seen this roughly spherical object outside its better known form as an omelette. No matter. It's very simple: you break an egg into a bowl, pick up a fork and 'lightly beat' it. We're confident that 'lightly beating' an egg will give you a curious sense of satisfaction.

2) The end of a ketchup bottle

This too is permissible. All the better to enjoy your samosa with.

3) Particularly frozen ice trays

Now, bear in mind this is only possible if you have not previously expressed a moral or religious objection to keeping a refrigerator in the house.

4) A dirty carpet

Actually, you can 'lightly beat' that carpet even if it's clean. Cool with us.

5) Crumbs from your bed

That late night snack is a secret between you and bed. Get rid of the evidence.

6) The podium, if you're a frustrated lawmaker

The CII probably has experience with this one. Go ahead, lightly beat that desk. Get it all out. Look at how happy it makes them.

7) A remote control

Remotes can be cruel, petty creatures. They turn on you when you need them most, like when you need to quickly flip the TV channel to pretend you weren't watching Mathira's latest dance number. It's ok to 'lightly beat' your malfunctioning remote.

8) It

As seen in the Micheal Jackson classic.

Sing along with me as you shake those hips! Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it...

9) Yourself

Important: do this every time you think 'lightly beating' women is a thing.

Lesson learned?


This article is categorised as humour/satire. Its content is not meant to be read literally, and the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer or the views of the IMAGES editorial staff.

Comments

1000 Characters
Alexey May 27, 2016 11:26am
Spot on!
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Abdullah May 27, 2016 11:27am
hahahahahaha, HILARIOUS
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Hassan May 27, 2016 11:29am
either disprove "light beating" through authentic sources or stop ridiculing the injunction. Of course, you don't have anything to challenge that specific injunction, so the only thing left is sarcasm. You guys are so confused.
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Arabian Sea May 27, 2016 11:43am
Superb. However, without an English translation the joke may be missed upon the learned Maulana.
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civi May 27, 2016 11:45am
Dawn News is always with progressive people.We need not want to be free from medieval age laws&a secular country?
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i2i May 27, 2016 11:49am
Though the article is satirical but still we have to understand and show respect to the diversity or difference of opinion. This is how our society will evolve tolerant.
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MP May 27, 2016 11:50am
Dawn has to give a satire warning every time now. Pakistani people can't understand the difference (I think this happened since Malala as western agent satire by NFP).
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Indian May 27, 2016 11:51am
HA HA HA..Way too hilarious,Cudos to the creative team!
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Skeptic May 27, 2016 11:56am
And let's not forget, 'beating about the Bush.
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RAEES May 27, 2016 11:56am
CII deserves rotten eggs now :)
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Mahmood May 27, 2016 11:59am
And when you can beat 'em, you join them.
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Khanm May 27, 2016 12:01pm
The best beat is the heart beat for your wife..
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TZaman May 27, 2016 12:01pm
Thank you for re--affirming that we Pakistanis are human ... Beautiful ... Humorous ... Alive. Sure we need your write up after the horrible model bill.
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Shayan Javed May 27, 2016 12:02pm
extremely hilarous. Not to be tried at office :)
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Bhangi May 27, 2016 12:02pm
Hilarious, I love Dawn!
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sri1 May 27, 2016 12:09pm
To be fair, a lot of men too need light to hard conking on the heads for things as varied as shirking responsibilities, taking faith too seriously, not doing enough to help at home, getting easily misled by mullahs, believing in endless conspiracies etc. What does CII prescribe for those characers?
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Moona May 27, 2016 12:14pm
Good one. A pity that you have tell people that it's satire.
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Battleaxe May 27, 2016 12:18pm
Good one but no need to hit a women .
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Changez_Khan May 27, 2016 12:21pm
The 9 lessons for Mullahs.
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PepsI May 27, 2016 12:23pm
Number 8... too good...
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richard May 27, 2016 12:28pm
Very astute and funny!
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Sirf Main May 27, 2016 12:30pm
Even a child can understand that it is a Satire then why Dawn has to explain it!
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Sajid Sajjad Abbasi May 27, 2016 12:35pm
lol
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joop May 27, 2016 12:36pm
hhahaha
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Zeeshan Mahmood May 27, 2016 12:38pm
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WTF-awesome.
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LK@Madurai May 27, 2016 12:47pm
ROFL...
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Samad Chaudhry London May 27, 2016 12:50pm
SW U P E R B! SHARAM UNKO MAGAR NAHEE AATI!!
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Ritesh May 27, 2016 01:06pm
Beat your boss @ office
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Khadim Hussain May 27, 2016 01:27pm
The writers disappoint me; I thought they would include: when some mullah issues that kind of statement (i.e. light beating of wife) people could/should beat him with a stick wrapped around with rose petals.
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AHA May 27, 2016 01:43pm
Please add keyboard, Tabala etc
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Abdulla Hussain May 27, 2016 02:45pm
Not Funny at all, this is a serious issue, nothing to joke about.
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Amir May 27, 2016 02:55pm
Hilarious!
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A Woman Citizen May 27, 2016 02:56pm
Number 8 though .... hilarious....nicely written....the news that had put me off in the morning now this article has lifted my spirits...... What is the meaning of ""Lightly"" beating.... beating IS beating...... Why the hell they don't understand it.
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Mona Lisa May 27, 2016 03:19pm
Didn't know when Dawn turned into Buzzfeed but I do love this!
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Ahsan May 27, 2016 03:28pm
The sad part is the people giving these absurd proposals are on government's payroll. They are paid for what? To say this abnoxious stuff? That is sad.
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Thoroughthinker May 27, 2016 03:34pm
It all simply boils down to the fact that, we don't have an iota of real knowledge of our religious instructions and correct interpretation of the world's Greatest Message !!
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Zeeshan Mahmood May 27, 2016 04:01pm
"the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer" then whom? Is this disclaimer a satire as well?
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Sandip Bhatia May 27, 2016 04:04pm
Well, you can also beat-around-the-bush....
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Ijaz May 27, 2016 04:20pm
Very funny. Unfortunately the CII comments are serious and many Pakistanis live by this out dated code
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Shiraz May 27, 2016 04:21pm
Haaaa haaaaaaa
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human May 27, 2016 04:24pm
Awesome
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HK May 27, 2016 04:36pm
Hallelujah!
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anil London May 27, 2016 04:53pm
really best. and in Indian language you can said vanttas information
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Shailesh May 27, 2016 04:55pm
Thank you Jinnah for saving us from these loonies.
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AZAAD May 27, 2016 05:37pm
@i2i Difference of opinion? Really? You do believe then that there is a significant section of society that does legitimately recommend the light beating of women?
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Syed Anjum Ali May 27, 2016 05:41pm
The humor of this article is in stark contrast to the humorless nature of these imbecile mullahs. Scary chaps. the sooner the world is rid of them the better i.a.
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Asif May 27, 2016 05:43pm
These mulla's are making themselves jocking items.
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Harmony-1© May 27, 2016 05:46pm
@Khanm - Nice one!
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Daulat1 May 27, 2016 06:02pm
Hilarious! Now the real task is to have CII members read this.
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Zawar Haider May 27, 2016 06:40pm
@Hassan Come over bro ill teach you why its wrong to beat someone, by experience. Would a roundhouse kick to the head be enough evidence?
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Observer May 27, 2016 06:54pm
Hilarious and very sophisticated.
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Exlim May 27, 2016 07:37pm
Someone needs to lightly beat some sense into these relics of the council.
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Agha Ata May 27, 2016 08:03pm
10) . . . and of course, the beater of his wife.
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Aziz May 27, 2016 08:12pm
You can also lightly beat a politician.
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Sara May 27, 2016 08:12pm
What is the difference between beating and bashing? or light beating.
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Humera Iram May 27, 2016 10:17pm
Haahaa, very well written. CII is commited to amuse us every other day with their stupidity.
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Zalmay May 27, 2016 10:17pm
Shampoo bottle. When emptying
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Indian May 27, 2016 10:21pm
Nice, very funny! But does members of Council of Islamic Ideology know to read english?
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Aks May 27, 2016 10:29pm
Hilarious..
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Nida Ali May 27, 2016 10:46pm
Good one!
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sudhir May 27, 2016 10:47pm
A superb response you have for that stupid law. Salute DAWN
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Biren May 27, 2016 11:35pm
You guys are head and shoulder above Indian press when it comes to sarcasm and light hearted fun ! Kudos to creative team at Dawn. Btw, I am an Indian so this is genuine compliments. Maybe your moderator team can allow a bit of more fun in comments section as well, where Indian press has a clear lead at the minute. But regardless, thanks for this brilliant article on regressive mindset.
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Sultan Rahi May 28, 2016 12:09am
@Hassan Disprove "light beating"? What does that even mean? There's no confusion here. Except if your a sexist uneducated fool, you have no reason whatsoever to "lightly" beat (oh, the euphemism!) your wife. And even then, you're still wrong doing it. Oh, you mean I have to be all religious and cherry pick "authentic source" interpreted my way to be listened? What about real life for an authentic source (I'm no Mullah, so no quotes)? In the modern era, no educated Muslim beats their wives, and nor is it required. That's all.
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Rasool Khan May 28, 2016 12:31am
Mashaallah!
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Myview May 28, 2016 02:47am
How about beating the heat with some ice cream?
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Chethan Prabhu May 28, 2016 03:56am
How about lightly spanking the Maulanas? Just like beating an egg, you could turn the Maulana into a fluffy edible thing?
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Azfar May 28, 2016 04:19am
pathetic
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MF May 28, 2016 04:31am
@Biren I have read some of the comments in times of india and some other newspapers but they really donot reflect the educated india sometimes. Calling names is very common and most of the comments stray off the topic. frequently our and other 's parent or sisters are brought into discussion which is not required. I think dawn's editor are doing a very tough job. Moreover, whenever i read comments of my indian colleagues in dawn I really enjoy them. I am sorry if this comment has hurt your feelings in any way. `
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S Zafar Iqbal May 28, 2016 06:07am
A true Muslim will never beat his wife, will never hit a woman; if he truly loves the Prophet (pbuh) and follows his Sunnah. It is for the simple reason that the Prophet (pbuh) never, ever, even raised his voice on any of his wives, much less raising his hand on them. So, any Muslim who loves and follows the Prophet (pbuh) will never beat his wife, because the Prophet (pbuh) never did. That is the way of the Prophet (pbuh). And those who love the Prophet follow on his foot steps.
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Tota Ram Verma May 28, 2016 06:38am
just a pilot project before you propose this idea to others ..just ask husband of you daughters and sisters to beat them 'lightly' for at least a year ..and then get the feedback if this is right idea..
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illawarrior May 28, 2016 07:10am
@i2i I will NEVER respect any opinion that condones domestic violence!
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Sumit May 28, 2016 07:11am
Best was "IT"... LOL. Beat it....
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brightonrodeo May 28, 2016 07:27am
@Rasool Khan husbands go unpunished committing same acts as wives did.
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Hello Its Me May 28, 2016 08:13am
The eggs have to be 'beaten lightly' to prepare halwah for Mulwah
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Sachin May 28, 2016 08:24am
Hilarious ... Dawn please open a office and train a team in Mumbai.... Great staff. Great newspaper.
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Barkat May 28, 2016 09:27am
@i2i So the society at large has to show their tolerance with idiots? I agree that such stupid statements by Maulana is published, so that people can look through these fossils
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Barkat May 28, 2016 09:36am
I think time has come for CII in general & Maulana to "beat retreat" to their caves in the mountains. The current society is not for them and these fossils should probably be at their right place - Museum. A message for the Maulana - I am not trying to insult you, I am trying to describe you.
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P. S. Natarajan May 28, 2016 09:47am
The most brilliant thing I ever saw in Dawn!
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Mohsen May 28, 2016 10:17am
Very nice and witty.
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N K Ali May 28, 2016 10:21am
Soooper! Fantabulous! I had a good late! Sheets I should pay PARTICULAR attention to this article. Hahaaah! Salams
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krishan gopal May 28, 2016 10:23am
:)
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Faizan May 28, 2016 11:56am
@Hassan Islam is very clear about it. And even common sense tells that this must not be allowed. I think thats the reason they dont feel the need of explaining their opinion, Please read this article that explain the issue in a great detail http://www.islamicfinder.org/articles/article.php?id=307
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agha May 28, 2016 02:38pm
@i2i No we do not need to "respect" intolerant and medieval views. We only need to "accept" their right to say these things thats it. No respect for such regressive attitudes. Tolerance doesn't include tolerating intolerance. Simple.
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agha May 28, 2016 02:42pm
@Chethan Prabhu Eww, stop ruining food please.
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ilyas May 28, 2016 04:01pm
@Skeptic beat the heat these days that's most important
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Babar Khan May 28, 2016 08:28pm
If you took the article literally, means inhale CO2.
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ROO JAVED May 28, 2016 11:08pm
How would you term a "heartbeat"?
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Mahwish.Z May 30, 2016 07:40am
Hahaha this was such an amazing read! Hilarious!!!
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Mahwish.Z May 30, 2016 07:40am
Hahaha this was such an amazing read! Hilarious!!!
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huma begum May 30, 2016 01:37pm
@Chethan Prabhu : you can teach the Maulaanas Yoga and to say AuuuuuM. They will learn all with out learning.
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ARL May 31, 2016 02:52pm
Item Number 10: Let us 'lightly beat the mulanas of Council of Islamic Ideology also, to test what is 'lightly beating'
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Ahmar Qureshi May 31, 2016 02:52pm
JUST FOR LOLZ! :-D Really Enjoyed Reading & Watching! :-D
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Agha Ata May 31, 2016 07:58pm
@Khanm . Beautiful. :>)
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Mohsin Jun 01, 2016 11:05am
What I don’t understand is one thing. Why are they always keep saying that it if a woman is disobedient to his husband , husband can beat her , woman has to be dressed the way husband wants , if not, husband can beat her, if woman character is not good , husband can beat her. Wait a minute, why husband have to be a typical SHO. Let’s turn around things , what if husband is disobedient , what if husband character is not good, what if he is not dressed the why wife wants. What will be the procedure than.
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KnowTheTruth Jun 01, 2016 01:32pm
The opposition to "light beating" is overwhelming the fact that domestic violence towards women is among the highest in Pakistan of all countries. Why is it so, If so many people disapprove of this act?
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Irfan UK Jun 01, 2016 01:52pm
Please sack this committee they are always doing more harm to Islam than good. They don't see bribery and corruption in the society but always seem to find ways to let other communities ridicule our religion.
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Bupi Jun 01, 2016 02:46pm
Beating or notbeating it's duty of elder to give right directions.
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Zubaida khan Jun 01, 2016 04:52pm
Actually, the good mullah did not want to outlaw spousal spanking, but just couldn't find the right words.
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