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Girls don’t need to mother their husbands, says boy mom Nadia Jamil

Girls don’t need to mother their husbands, says boy mom Nadia Jamil

The actor reflected on how her parenting has evolved over the years and why she doesn’t expect her son’s wife to mother him.
04 Jul, 2025

Actor and activist Nadia Jamil has delivered a powerful reflection on motherhood, mental health, and the importance of setting boundaries — especially for women navigating parenting in a patriarchal society.

She also talked about how important it is for boys to understand that their future wives should not be expected to “mother them”. Giving the example of her own son, she said while she may pamper him as his mother, that shouldn’t lead him to believe his wife has to do the same.

At a recent panel hosted by the Almawrid Women Society, she said, “I am a mother and the daughter of a working mother. I never felt that we or our household were deprived of anything because our mother was working. On the contrary, my self-confidence, my humanity, is inspired by my mother’s.”

Jamil recalled a childhood with a present father who played an active role in parenting, not out of compulsion, but with conscious care. “Our father, when our mother was not around, spent quality time with us. He was not clueless,” she said. “So if a woman is deprived of a husband who helps her with domestic duties, then that is her misfortune.”

Cutting into the deeply embedded gender roles in South Asian families, where emotional labour and childcare are often shouldered entirely by women, Jamil reflected on her own experience as a working mother raising both a young daughter who is four as well as a 23-year-old son.

“Not every woman is fortunate enough to have a husband who gives his family time. In that situation, women do end up making a lot of sacrifices. But I am also a mother who works, and I have a four-year-old daughter whom I want to inspire to become a woman who can work, be self-reliant, and be happy to take care of herself,” she added.

Acknowledging how her approach to parenting has evolved over time, she said, “I am a very different mother to my daughter than I was to my son because I have seen that if I don’t take care of my mental and emotional well-being, then I won’t be able to take care of my child.”

A major part of this learning, Jamil argued, involves setting and maintaining clear personal boundaries, something rarely taught to women in our society. “If my son crosses them, even if he speaks to me disrespectfully, he will have crossed that boundary, and I will not entertain it.”

She criticised the culture of self-sacrifice that is romanticised among Pakistani mothers. “In our society, a lot of things are just made up,” she said. “Things like women staying hungry to feed the kids. To an extent, by design, a mother will prioritise her child’s needs over her own. But if I overcompensate, it will be at a cost. It is up to us how much pressure we put on ourselves.”

She went on to talk about how she is raising her son. “When a boy becomes a teenager, he is exposed to all kinds of things,” she said, citing her son’s education at Aitchison College and his exposure to elite feudal households. “At home, he insists I make his plate. And I do that for him because I am his mother. But he cannot expect the same thing from his wife or wife-to-be. He shouldn’t. That girl does not need to mother him. I tell him that he needs to understand this.”

Jamil’s message is ultimately about breaking cycles of guilt, burnout, and gendered expectations.

She wants mothers to not just raise good children, but to raise children, especially sons, who grow into respectful, self-aware adults who do not outsource their emotional needs to women or expect nurturing at the expense of their partner’s well-being.

Comments

Zulfiqar Mir Jul 04, 2025 03:56pm
a great spokesperson for capitalistic colonial values might as well be featured in Vogue or Cosmopolitan
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Ghazal Jul 04, 2025 04:23pm
This is messed up, a 23 year old expects to have his food plated by his mother? Something is seriously wrong with this form of mothering. No mother (or servant) should be doing this for a 23 year old unless of course there is a disability. Such a mother is no authority on her son's marriage or anyone else's marriage. Images please don't publish socially irresponsible material.
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imran Jul 04, 2025 04:27pm
Same women who want men to take on domestic chores dont want to share the bread winning. Missing from this whole feminism discourse is the discussion if what women must do as non negotiable roles or tasks. Mainly their role in contributing to the mental health of their partner.
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Dr. Salaria, Aamir Ahmad Jul 04, 2025 04:36pm
As a public figure, please think twice before you say something.
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JAMIL SOOMRO Jul 04, 2025 05:10pm
My compliments to Nadia Jamil for her realistic and bold statement, " how important it is for boys to understand that their future wives should not be expected to mother them ". Well said. An outstanding example for mothers to follow her example.
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Laila Jul 04, 2025 05:16pm
@Zulfiqar Mir Huh? How exactly is she a "great spokesperson for capitalistic colonial values"? Do elaborate. And why would Vogue or Cosmopolitan be interested in what a desi Pakistani actress has to say? Not exactly relevant for their target audience. Are we reading the same article?
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Ahmed Jul 04, 2025 05:22pm
Then boys don't need to father their wives. So they shouldn't provide, fight an intruder or stand up for them. That's what father will do for his children. Or maybe there is an overlap. Then maybe there's an overlap between a wife and mother.
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Zarmeena Jul 04, 2025 05:27pm
Lovely! Now has this "expert Mom" raised an independent son that no one needs to mother. If mothers raise independent sons their daughter in laws will not find the opportunity to "mother" them which is a form of control. This opportunity to control arises from the need of a "bahu" who finds herself in household where the "saas" is in charge and the daughter in law has to create relevance for herself my creating dependencies--and breaking the power dynamic.
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Taj Ahmad Jul 04, 2025 05:30pm
To make a good family, both husband and wife must share responsibility together and respect each other’s parents simultaneously. ❤️
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Laila Ali Jul 04, 2025 08:01pm
Need of the hour especially in Pakistan. Kudos and more power to her.
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Ehsan Jul 04, 2025 08:22pm
Pakistani boys need to be raise better by their parents so they can be a good respecting partners. Daughters also need to be raised more confident, strong, independent, and less entitled.
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Vijay Dandapani Jul 05, 2025 12:28am
Well said. These ideas and values ought to be universal and not limited to any country.
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Ashraf Ali M. Nayani Jul 05, 2025 06:55am
Married coples should be partners not mom and dad. Ashraf Nayani
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waqarhabeeb Jul 05, 2025 08:19am
What is wrong if a wife prepares a plate for her husband? We have cherished a loving family system for centuries—rooted in mutual respect, care, and deep bonds. We honor our parents, wives love their husbands, and husbands love their wives. This system is built on love and understanding, not oppression. Why should we try to dismantle something so beautiful and balanced?
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Laila Jul 06, 2025 07:36am
Well said, Ms Jamil. Now if only somebody could get that through to the Pakistani awaam. Many boys unfortunately look for their mother in a wife. This is wrong on so many levels. So the change has to happen early on when raising boys in their childhood and teaching them accountability and responsibility. Possessive mothers need to treat sons as sons and not as their surrogate husbands and coddle them into becoming mummys boys, who can't even help themselves, if needed. Parents should also stop making sisters serve brothers. Involve boys in domestic chores to teach them basic survival skills. There is no shame in this. Otherwise they can never become men or responsible. The whole mindset regarding marriage and gender roles need to change. Girls are not responsible for fixing, raising or mothering husbands. Marriage is about two adults creating a life, home and family together. In Psychology such abnormal mother son relationship attachment is also known as emotionally lncestuous. Girls and families also need to vet out prospective proposals through communication and questions to ensure that the boy is indeed mature and compatible for marriage and their expectations align.
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Karamat Ali Jul 06, 2025 10:33am
Excellent lecture. Somehow it should be dramatized on TV channels to break the status quo.
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Laila Jul 06, 2025 02:08pm
@Zulfiqar Mir How is she "a great spokesperson for capitalistic colonial values"? Can you elaborate? I don't get what this has to do with the rearing of boys and not expecting their wives to mother them. Also not sure why Cosmopolitan or Vogue magazines would be interested in what a Pakistani actress/wife/mother has to say. Pakistani desi cultural issues or Pakistanis are not exactly their topics they handle not are we their target readers. Kindly elaborate your comment next time and specify what in the article you actually disagree with.
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Laila Jul 06, 2025 02:11pm
Well said, Ms Jamil. Now if only Pakistanis can understand this. Many boys unfortunately look for their mother in a wife, because that's how they were raised. Wrong on so many levels. So the change has to happen early on in their childhood teaching them accountability and responsibility. Possessive mothers need to treat sons as sons and not as surrogate husbands, not coddle them into becoming mummys boys, who can't even help themselves if needed. Stop making sisters do everything for them. Involve sons in domestic chores to teach them basic survival skills. There is no shame in this. Otherwise they can never become men or independent. The whole mindset regarding marriage and gender roles need to change. Girls are not responsible for fixing, raising or mothering husbands. In Psychology abnormal mother son relationship/attachment is known as emotional lncest, and something our society must address. I hope Ms Jamil also does things for her daughter, as she does for her son and also teaches him to do his own things with age. There should be no difference. There is no superiority of sons over daughters.
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