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In Pakistan, mental health is still a subject clouded in silence and secrecy, particularly when it comes to men. Recent years have seen some progress with better recognition of the importance of mental health care for men, but the topic still isn’t discussed enough.

A persistent — and rather harmful — belief among many Pakistani parents is that if their son is struggling in life, marriage will somehow ‘fix’ him. This extends to his life struggles in general. Burdening him with the responsibilities of marriage, it is believed, will somehow put him on the right track.

This mindset overlooks the need for professional support, and for the women involved in such marriages, the consequences can be much more severe.

TV show host Waseem Badami recently spoke about this issue on the show RAMZ during an interview with actor Mirza Gohar Rasheed. Joining them on the episode was Mustafa Hemani, a Pakistani businessman and entrepreneur and the founder of the Hemani Group of Companies. Badami highlighted how deeply harmful this cultural notion can be, adding that parents should be considerate of the woman they’re marrying their son off to; instead of seeing marriage as a magical solution, they should focus on fixing their sons themselves.

“Ultimately, what happens is, at first, one life is at stake, but then two end up being ruined,” he said. “Don’t be so selfish about it.” While Badami admitted he is an advocate for marriage in general, the context is also important, and it doesn’t apply in every case. His opinion was echoed by Rasheed, who said, “The responsibility of a man is on his family members. Not on a woman who marries into the family.”

‘Insensitivity is not masculinity’

Reflecting on his career as an anchor, one that has exposed him to all kinds of stories, including harrowing subjects like murder and paedophilia, Badami acknowledged how easy it is to become emotionally entangled in the news to the point that it prevents you from functioning.

While he emphasised a need to disconnect, he added that it’s important to be affected by these things. “There’s no shame in admitting it affects you emotionally,” he said. “Some people say, ‘Be a man,’ but men are humans too. These things should impact you in a positive sense. If you become completely desensitised, that’s not masculinity, that’s insensitivity.”

Rasheed brought up the importance of a strong father-son relationship, prompting Hemani to reflect on the close bond he shared with his late father. “If he were alive today and someone saw us together, they’d never guess we were father and son; it looked more like we were friends,” he said.

Rasheed added, “Back in the day, there used to be a lot of distance between fathers and sons. Fathers were seen as figures of fear. If the father came home, everyone would retreat into their corners.” On this topic, Badami stressed the value of maintaining friendly terms with one’s children. “Of course, that doesn’t mean you should disrespect, but it’s important to break those barriers,” he said, adding that he tries to bond with his son every chance he gets.

The right to feel

In a society that equates vulnerability with weakness, it’s no surprise that men are often conditioned to suppress their emotions and discouraged from speaking about their struggles openly.

But there’s a huge catch to this — many men end up carrying around years of pent-up anger and emotional exhaustion that resurfaces in harmful ways, affecting not just the well-being of the men in question but all the relationships in their lives.

In this regard, Rasheed posed a thoughtful question to his guests: “How much permission does a man have to be vulnerable?”

Badami responded by saying that being human means having a mix of strengths and flaws. “There are many situations where I’ve found myself feeling extremely vulnerable,” he admitted. Rasheed followed up, asking, “Are you able to express that vulnerability when you’re feeling it?” to which Badami said that it’s not always possible.

He added that unfortunately the cost of vulnerability is that sometimes people take one for granted. Badami acknowledged the importance of being emotionally open, but warned that one must be careful not to let others take advantage of that vulnerability.