There's no need to see the Tere Bin Laden sequel anymore.
Ali Zafar's cameo in the film is already out, and he's invited us all to give it a "taste":
Yep, here he is in all his shirtless glory! However, there are a few things we think you should be aware of. Well, six things, to be precise.
1) We don’t see a six pack
Hate to break it to you Ali, but that ain’t no six pack.
While the rockstar wins in the biceps department, his abs need a little more work. What we see at present is more like a one-pack, or a two-pack at best.
Of course, we get that this is a satirical take on Ali’s celeb-status and our generation’s obsession with the perfect bod, but we can’t help but point out what lacks. Here’s a little reminder of what six-pack abs really look like:
A true six pack isn’t easy to come by, requiring a strict no-carb diet and countless hours at the gym. Who’s got that kind of dedication? Not us, so Ali can be forgiven for this one.
2) He’s oil-over the place
Ali’s a slippery fellow isn’t he?
No, I mean really. Look at how he glistens in this vid: it’s like he bathed in coconut oil before moisturizing with olive oil, finishing off the whole look with a delicate dusting of almond oil for fragrance. Just looking at him makes our cholesterol levels shoot up.
And the extreme wax job doesn’t help.
We now know why he successfully fought off the baddies in this video… they just couldn’t get a hold of him.
3) There’s a weird assault reference
Pop culture is making it increasingly clear that in order to prove your masculinity you need to rescue a woman who is just about to be assaulted by a band of thugs. And so it is with ‘Six Pack Abs’ – Ali happens upon a lovely lady in danger and fights off a whole host of baddies.
The woman who was just about to be assaulted (who should be petrified and quaking right now) quickly forgets her fear and begins to express her lust – er, gratefulness for her savior.
Is this implausible? Yep. Does it downplay the seriousness of assault and generally, crimes against women? Yep, Yep. Sigh.
4) Ali’s a champ at self-deprecating humour
We’re grateful for small mercies -- and that this video is Ali’s way of poking fun at himself is one of them.
Just as he did in his tune ‘Rockstar’ Ali makes fun of his status as a celebrity. It’s refreshing to see a star not take himself too seriously, and this is why we’re still in Ali’s corner.
Just imagine if he wrote a tune called ‘Six Pack Abs’ which was a straight-up ode to his abdominals, accompanied by a broody (maybe black and white?) video that lingered over said body part. Ew. No.
5) You'll be treated to a close-up of his navel.
What's a song about six-pack abs without a glorifying shot of the said muscles?
Horrifying enough, Ali Z's abs aren't as prominent as we'd hope them to be. The result? A close-up of his bellybutton. 'Six Pack Abs' made navel-gazers out of all of us.
Thankfully, it's an innie.
6) What's with the gori loving?
Ali Z rescues pretty white girl in a short dress from her would-be rapists - that's one gori. And then he retires to a massage parlour where he's fussed over by two more foreign gals. Hmmm, we sense a pattern here.
Why are ladies from the hometown just good as back-up cheerleaders? And how come the hero only spares a minute from his self-adulation for the goris?
'Six Pack Abs' needs a sequel to address these questions!