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Actor Amna Malik, who has been the talk of the town recently for her performance in the drama serial Jama Taqseem, spoke from personal experience when she told Fuchsia Magazine how women who go through miscarriages don’t get the sympathy they need from people around them. They offer kind words, she said, and then “expect you to try again in three months”.

Malik, who suffered three miscarriages herself, told interviewer Rabia Mughni she had to give herself strength and keep herself going when nobody else would. In a candid moment, the actor said her mother was initially supportive but then gradually joined the chorus nudging her to try again.

The actor lamented people’s attitudes towards children, saying people were more upset about her losing baby boys in her first and second miscarriages. They’d come to me and say, “Gaya to gaya, beta chala gaya? Oho… (What’s gone is gone, but you lost a son? How sad).” They wouldn’t have been so aggrieved had I lost daughters, she said.

The interviewer asked whether the pressure to have sons made the actor resent her daughters, to which she replied that she had come from a household of four daughters, all of whom were showered with love by their dad, so she never internalised the idea of sons being more valuable.

For girls going through a similar experience, Malik offered some words of advice. “Take care of yourself [first],” she said, adding that women need not take the risks of another pregnancy if their husbands were supportive. Parenting is a full-time job and the people egging you on to have more kids won’t even babysit them later, she said. “Anything more serious [than babysitting],” she added, “you’ll handle yourselves. The hospital visits, the fevers, the colds, that’s all on parents to handle.

“If God is delaying something, don’t try to rush things. Sure, give it a shot, but it’ll happen when God wills it; don’t succumb to [social] pressure.”

Talking about her pregnancy with her second child — her fifth pregnancy overall — Malik said she worried for the baby’s life every day she carried it in her womb. She’d go get the baby’s heartbeat checked every single day, to the point where the hospital began recognising her and stopped asking why she was in.

Malik said finding work in the entertainment industry helped her deal with her miscarriages. Initially a kindergarten teacher, she said she had to leave her job after the stress of her loss starting affecting her attention span and ability to teach. Acting in commercials, she said, helped her shed that stress and later experience a full-term pregnancy.

The actor said she didn’t go to therapy during her miscarriages but saw a therapist later on the recommendation of her daughter, who studied psychology. She said therapy got her through a very dark time in her life and helped her manage a lot of pain. She asked people not to stigmatise seeking help with mental health, asserting that, “people who go to therapy aren’t crazy”.

Malik circled back to the support spouses offer each other when the interviewer asked about any pressure she received from her in-laws to have a son. She said husbands had to be supportive of their wives but stopped short of saying they should fight their parents for their spouse. “I feel if you can convey your parents’ wishes to your wife,” she said, “you can convey your wife’s wishes to your parents as well.”

The actor said a balance was necessary where both spouses compromise a little. Girls, she said, need to adjust to their new homes and should be taught to do so by their parents. However, she rejected the notion that a girl can’t go to her parents for help in her marriage, lamenting the common practice of girls’ parents refusing to involve themselves in their daughters’ lives when necessary.

Talking about her career, Malik said she was very happy to be acting in dramas, explaining her role in her latest project at length. She said her character in Jama Taqseem, Rashida, behaved the way she did out of fear. In Rashida’s mind, the actor noted, her worth in the household would decrease if she questioned authority or neglected household chores, which in turn would decrease the standing of her children. That’s why she serves the family at the cost of neglecting her kids. The actor said she had another project in the pipeline with HUM TV that she was very excited about.

Cover photo: Amna Malik/Instagram