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This rishta aunty claims divorces happen because women don't make roti anymore
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This rishta aunty claims divorces happen because women don't make roti anymore

It's 2019 and people still think the key to a successful marriage is women being subservient to their husbands.
Images Editorial
Updated 02 Nov, 2019

Another day, another archaic viewpoint on marriage.

It all started when morning show Subh Savaray Pakistan aimed to have a conversation on divorce and its effects on children. The show's host, Sarvat Valim featured psychiatrist, Dr. Naushaba Manan who brought some brilliant points about how it's the not the divorce itself but the toxic and abusive environment that damages a child's psyche.

Unfortunately for the doctor and the important topic, the panel also included Mrs. Khan, who is now being identified as a popular rishta aunty (matchmaker) by the internet.

Mrs. Khan steered the conversation away from the impact of divorce on children and attempted to talk about why divorces happen in the first place. Guess where her internalised sexism took her?

That's right people, divorces happen because women are speaking up for themselves.

Said Mrs Khan, "Keep your tongue in check. If women control what comes out of their mouth, divorces won't happen so often. We used to be told that when the husband comes home, his shoes are placed in a certain manner, his clothes are kept in a proper way. There should be a roti on the tawa just ready to be served with the salan."

Oh, the irony of a woman yelling on national television telling other women to control their tongue. Won't lie, we were appalled that such a voice is being amplified in 2019.

We live in a time when men and women are both out and earning for the home; many of us have been raised by working parents. Also, are we still not raising men to be able to take care of themselves? Is a reason for divorce actually that women aren't, placing their shoes properly?

Read: Why I made the sign 'Khud khana garam karlo'

"What is it with women these days who say 'I won't make roti'? Why get married then?"

Dear Mrs Khan, no woman gets married so they can do unpaid labour to their husband. Marriage is about respect and many are out now looking for partners who'll enhance their lives, not reduce them to a Rotimatic.

Speaking of which, to all those who want to bring in a wife or daughter-in-law so that they can get rotis whenever they want, check out the Rotimatic. Gets the job done, costs a fraction of a wedding and also will save a woman's life since you won't be bringing her in as house help.

Mrs. Khan went on to claim that if a woman doesn't do all these things, she isn't a proper woman.

"Who raised you and who gave you your education. Who came home from work? These same rules apply to you."

While she meant to imply that husbands go to work and mothers do the cooking and raising, she fails yet again to acknowledge that many have been raised by working women and fathers are also involved in raising their children.

These thoughts reek of internalised misogyny and toxic masculinity that even many men have moved on from.

Mrs. Khan also took it up to an 11 and went on a rant about women choosing to take care of their husbands and not the in-laws.

"How can you only take care of your husband? You should get out of the house then."

Apart from the fact that Mrs. Khan has completely backtracked from her earlier statement about women refusing to take care of their husbands, wait till she finds out how many women actually do want to get out of the house.

The most fascinating part of these old-school problematic thoughts is how it has nothing to do with the impact of divorce on children.

Comments

Venki Aug 23, 2019 02:17pm
She may be right considering the society in which she was born and raised
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M. Saeed Aug 23, 2019 02:20pm
Mrs Khan is talking about 95% of our girls who invariably end up in making roties , not only for their spouses but, for the whole family. And, it is no secret that our TV serials are polluting the minds of these majority of girls by telling them divorce is no more a big deal. Nobody now remembers that, the mere word 'Talaaq' was a taboo-word not long ago and difficult even to utter even in normal conversation in the family.
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khalid Aug 23, 2019 02:22pm
What a stupid comment coming from a woman. Very strange.
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Pathetic_Thinking Aug 23, 2019 02:24pm
So making a roti in your opinion is not important. Just go outside and eat fast food. Bravo! Empowering women does not mean that they should become oblivious of their responsibilities at home. Just study the impacts on children whose parents are working and do no give them time. In feminists' opinion, empower women so that they can claim their rights but avoid their responsibilities. Simply shameful thinking.
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Kabir Aug 23, 2019 02:32pm
You are talking about ideal condition whereas Mrs Khan was telling the reality and in reality we are still a man dominated society secondly due to unchecked influence of western culture our women is destroying their own home hence their own life have your ever visited a divorced woman how miserable is her life therefore please do not misguide young ladies tell them the factual condition prevailing in our society instead of pushing them in utopia
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Shahid Aug 23, 2019 03:02pm
FACT IS FACT. Women have become MEN, no one stops women from working BUT those women who are at home, their job is to take care of everyone at home. Go and see women of west,who is struggling to have a happy life. Because they have to work more than men to raise their kids. Reality bites, Mrs Khan spoken the truth and I WONDER, why people go with the wind, what ever is written in article, without thinking, ,people start praising hahahahhaha
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Adnan Aug 23, 2019 03:14pm
She does have a valid point and this article is also an interesting read, but the author should realise that this is Pakistan ( developing country) male dominated society not the west, there is absolutely no protection for women outside the house, over here women get abused, harassed and raped if there is no strong man to protect and provide for them (evidence - ARY sarey aam program, news papers) do in Pakistan as the society is - otherwise either leave the country and go to west, stay single or accept it and move on with life - there is no place in Pakistan for mara jism maree marzee type of women - this country is not ready for it.. I would suggest women should concentrate on how to raise there boys as real men- gentlemen and daughters as ladies - lady of the house, otherwise this will be a breakdown of the society
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Fastrack Aug 23, 2019 03:14pm
Oppressive men are a problem. Yet success rate of marriages is also coming down as girls are being taught to look down at compromise and tolerance.
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isha Aug 23, 2019 03:23pm
apparently here is what this anti and society wants in a bahu an automated robot who yields at every command or a brain dead zombie who feels nothing demands nothings. Rather than asking men to be brought up with emotional maturity and making sure unless they are mature enough to marry to avoid marriage ladies like this put the entire blame of not handling modern day immature man child on the women.
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OH Aug 23, 2019 03:34pm
There can be a million reasons for divorce. We can't generalize. I have seen both extremes, i.e. from men and women. Couples struggling to stay together against all odds and others going their seperate ways for the most trivial if reasons. We cannot pinpoint one reason.
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Amin Syed Aug 23, 2019 03:41pm
The author representing probably not even 1% of the society. How many of girls are raised by working parents? even very little percentage in urban centres. The reality is that more than 40% of the society are living below poverty line, the education percentage of the whole country is not even 40%. Real life is different and if you want to witness, please visit any suburb or village.
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Pakistani Aug 23, 2019 03:42pm
I agree with this woman. I’m a married man with 3 kids and I know she is right. It’s Pakistan not UK or US or Australia.
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Waheed Noor Aug 23, 2019 03:45pm
@Adnan With your mindset our county will never be developed. Please do not get married if all you want from your wife is a roti. In case you are already married, please convey my sympathies to your wife.
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Mani Aug 23, 2019 03:46pm
To each their own. Making relationships work to go the distance is not easy. My marriage is working cause my Mrs. is subservient. She knows it, I know it and we are happy. Others who are not will try to spread their misery by polluting our minds.
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kamran ghafoor Aug 23, 2019 03:46pm
lets be open about this the woman said things from an era which has passed for many but I would like to mention if the Man is the only bread earner then the wife should be a home maker. Husband can help out but then main tasks fall on the woman as man will be out earning for his family. But if both are earning then both should help out then it doesnt mean that man still gets to rest and woman has to keep working even after her job.
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M.Sethi Aug 23, 2019 03:47pm
The headline is misleading,she spoke about a lot of things,not just cooking a roti ! In a way she appears to be right ! The Feminist Movement coaxing is to a certain degree agitating women and adding to more frictions and broadening the gap between the two genders.Now,it is more of a demanding relation then of a adjusting and compromising between them.Possibly resulting in soured relations and more broken family's ? The love and affection appears to be dwindling and sort of visibly converting into a competition?And, rebellious attitudes...In all fairness they are made for each other and both meant to complement one another.
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Naveed Ahmed Aug 23, 2019 03:52pm
She is absolutely right. If women as well as men control what comes out of their mouth, divorces won't happen so often.
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Well wisher Aug 23, 2019 03:53pm
@Adnan Spot on.
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Dose of reality Aug 23, 2019 03:53pm
Could not agree more with Mrs. Khan.
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Khan Aug 23, 2019 03:55pm
@khalid She is more than 100% correct, wife is only for take care of home, and the most important part is kitchen, if this is NOT in wife, then, wahat else, going to Salon, make up, dance and cheating?
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Waqas Aug 23, 2019 03:55pm
You have oversimplified her statement. Boys and Girls are not prince or princesses, if they can work for their parents, why not work for their wives and husbands. The feminist rhetoric is trying to give up responsibilities, while enjoy all the perks.
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Imraan Ahmned Aug 23, 2019 03:55pm
Mrs. Khan is my star mother in law. She should be a beacon of aspiration for all aspiring wives to be. I wish everyone would get a mother in law like that. You rock Mrs. Khan. I have shown to this my wife and instructed her to learn a thing or two from her.
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jaredlee007 Aug 23, 2019 03:57pm
Not a well written article for such an important topic. Anyways, nothing wrong with one spouse taking responsibility for cooking. Even in the west, I've seen so many families in urban and rural areas where women are NOT ashamed of doing household chores--cooking, cleaning, raising kids, etc. And these are educated women who are not oppressed. Western movies show one thing, which we adapt easily, but the reality in the west is different. Not all western families are such where both spouses work full-time in paid positions. Pakistani talk show hosts and guests are at best superficial in their approach in discussing delicate issues.
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xoobi Aug 23, 2019 03:58pm
I don't agree with this aunty but calling a wife subservient she prepares roti for her husband is a very wrong label.
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Isha Aug 23, 2019 04:05pm
Divorce rate is almost 50% in Pakistan, which was unheard of 10 or 15 years back. Back then divorce used to bring shocks and now it's a norm. She has a point. Women are running away from responsibility, they have a hard time cooking or cleaning but would spend hours infront if the TV or on the phone. The worst part is that women are still not happy even after doing it their way, one of my colleagues is always complaining how she would to like to stay home and not have to come to work every day and take care of children.
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Yasir Aug 23, 2019 04:07pm
I don't agree with writer or entirely with rishta aunty. We must not lie while establishing a relationship. Lies are the root problems.
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AZulfi Aug 23, 2019 04:09pm
@Adnan That is gross generalisation imo. It depends on your family upbringing, your circle of friends & neighbours and your education. What you are saying may be applicable in some back ward areas but women in cities such as Islamabad, Karachi and Lahore are quite independent, confident and know what they want. go to jobs, go out shopping themselves, drive cars etc.
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Hamed Quraishi Aug 23, 2019 04:12pm
@Adnan please check the statistics of "modern" countries.
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Depak Aug 23, 2019 04:14pm
@Adnan Why men like you fear the most when women express themselves boldy - because you can't think of how to move forward with women becoming more and more open and competent. Men can still be leaders while allowing all the respect, freedom and privileges to the women they deserve. There so many other tasks and examples where eventually men can lead and women can be their well supporting partners. World is changing, society is changing whether slowly in some countries -- Its the social needs that are driving these changes --I can clearly see a women football team or women swimming team of Saudis or Iranians soon competing in the Olympics. Why they agreed to car driving because there is sheer need for the family , for the business and socially too.
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Jawad Aug 23, 2019 04:14pm
One has to understand the ground realities of the society. It is true that time has changed now and we cant afford to have the same kind of relation as our parents have enjoyed. Woman is now educated and much mature owing to the media. They now know more, ask more and also rightly expect more. They want respect too. They also want to be HEARD. Correct. But a woman should be very careful in her choice of words when she speaks with her husband and her in laws. Nobody is stopping her to convey her point of time, but she should only propose (rather than impose). Same also applies to the other party. Husbands and families should listen to their respective ladies. And ladies should also be made to sit in important decision gatherings so that they do not feel neglected. This is one of core problem which ultimately leads to parting ways, which always have numerous side effects on the children. So both parties should exercise restraint and flexibility in every case
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Mahmood Ahmad Aug 23, 2019 04:17pm
Lack of fulfillment in the relationship is the main trigger in divorce. The other petty justifications are sought to make the case strong. The husband becomes a third class citizen in the household and a mere ATM as children start coming in the picture they take over all the attention. He is ignored. He is kept in stress in an unfulfilled relationship and dies early.
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Farooq Aug 23, 2019 04:21pm
I am divorced and never married again. With more and more women attaining economic independence, arranged marriages are more likely to fail, especially if you live in the western countries , like the US . Unfortunately jobs are also becoming temporary, because corporations tend to downsize and layoff, causing hardships. You cross forty and it's difficult to get a new job elsewhere unless you're highly networked. This applies to both sexes and main cause of divorce, especially that which causes a sudden fall in the standard of living.
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taimoor sultan Aug 23, 2019 04:23pm
Only reason for increased divorces in West and now in East is Love marriages. Please look at the stats between arranged marriages and love marriages and all will be revealed. The underlying issue is not Love but the high expectations from both husband and wife even before they get married.
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obaid Aug 23, 2019 04:23pm
in my point of view the old school lady makes a point, the first question is and must be why divorces happen? the issues effect of divorce on women & children is the second question, although i don't fully agree with her point either, and the whole story looks to be Oriented towards the second question rather than the first one...
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Talha Aug 23, 2019 04:30pm
If my woman doesn't help me with making the roti then who will?
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Talha Aug 23, 2019 04:40pm
From a distance we have certain misunderstandings about the lives of women in the west. Women in developed countries suffer problems we are unfamiliar with here. Take this in to account: 1) divorce rates are huge, more than 50%. More than 50 out of a hundred marriages will end in divorce. 2) this doesn't take in to account the people who aren't married at all and my be in live in relationships or living lonely live, both not ideal situations. 3) lots of divorces means many parents (usually mothers) having to single handedly raise children. Many other points can be made. The message of female emancipation this article tries to convey fails to convey the many inherent costs of such an occurrence.
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Farhan Aug 23, 2019 04:40pm
Rishta auntys know what men really want, fresh cooked Rotis! Yum Yum!!
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DSJ Aug 23, 2019 05:07pm
@Adnan Why should women leave their country and go to west or stay single or accept the toxic behavior and move on with life? This doesn’t make any sense and is only a flawed excuse. Also, statements like “there is no place in Pakistan for mara jism maree marzee type of women – this country is not ready for it” is another excuse to justify the toxic behaviour. The country and its men should get ready for it now! Lastly, it is not JUST a woman’s responsibility to raise her sons/daughters properly but it is also a man’s responsibility to evaluate and correct his own behaviour too.
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Awalmir Aug 23, 2019 05:31pm
I feel sorry for women. Even a fellow woman does not respect their rights. How can you expect lazy, chauvinistic men to give them their rights?!
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Shan Aug 23, 2019 05:41pm
Lol just grab it from market.
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Asgher Saleem Aug 23, 2019 05:53pm
@Amin Syed in villages women work -- they toil in the fields, run small shops, and handle the buffalo. Much more than the men, who mostly hand around tea shops watching tv all day. "working women" is more a rural than an urban concept. Please visit villages before opining on their norms.
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Asgher Saleem Aug 23, 2019 05:56pm
The comments on this article are, for the most part, horrifying. How did our thinking come to be so regressive? Listen people, this is not complicated. A marriage is a success when both people are happy and fulfilled. That will never, and I repeat never, happen when one person lives a full life and the other exists to set up their shoes and cook their food. Marriage should be a partnership of spirit and soul. If one spouse loves to cook, whether man or woman, by all means cook away. If one spouse loves to work, by all means work away. But let us support each other in goals and aspirations, not force subservient roles based on gender.
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Sharjeel Aug 23, 2019 06:17pm
It’s not just roti. We should start teaching kids to be self sufficient. And also parents should avoid to get involve in newly couple life. Boy should buy or rent a house before marriage and if can’t afford it then parent from both side should help them.
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rafiq Aug 23, 2019 06:35pm
A mother was a girl before she got married. She got the experience of married life and became a women. It most important for all mothers to train and advise their sons in particular to look after and share responsibilities with their wives . . After all they were once girls themselves .
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Ehsan Aug 23, 2019 06:42pm
Shocking mentality. Be nice and caring to each other and everything falls in to place.
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Adnan Aug 23, 2019 06:55pm
@Depak I don’t disagree with you but this is not what this topic is about
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Parvez Aug 23, 2019 06:56pm
...this aunty needs a reality check real fast.
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As if Aug 23, 2019 07:32pm
@M. Saeed spot on about TV serials polluting the minds These showbiz guys needs to have a heart
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Nilesh Aug 23, 2019 07:33pm
Men should also make rotis... Roti making is important too.. But in my house half days I cook, half days my wife.
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HashBrown® Aug 23, 2019 08:12pm
Why are there so many men here using divorce stats as an example of a failed society? Do you people know what a divorce means? It means there was something fundamentally wrong with the marriage. Maybe fifty years ago fewer people were getting divorced, but that just means they were choosing to live on in misery, neglect, possibly even abuse. If a woman (or a man) takes a stand to free her/himself from this, then good. I'm not an advocate of divorce, but most individuals have a right to happiness. That's what this Auntie seems to have not realised.
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Amnna Aug 23, 2019 08:22pm
@Kabir Take it from a divorced woman - my life STOPPED being miserable once I left my ex and his toxic household behind. If you don't know better then don't make dumb assumptions. I don't understand why men think it is better for a woman to remain in a miserable, abusive or toxic marriage than to stand a stand for herself and make her life better. Would you tell a man to shut up and bear it if he is miserable with his wife? I don't think so.
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Amnna Aug 23, 2019 08:24pm
Funny (but not at all surprising) how it is only men who are defending her regressive and asinine comments..
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Single Aug 23, 2019 08:38pm
Roti making or no making is a long debate but this woman is a jerk for sure
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Fahim Ahmed Aug 23, 2019 08:49pm
This women is living in 19th century. The are many reason why talaq is now prevalent in our society. One of them is ''Agahi'' that has come to our new generation through information age. To live together in a happy relationship we need more than roti and salan. Cooking should not be just attributed to a women's job in modern society where both men and women has to work to make ends meet. Talaq is not necessarily evil. If two men and women does not get along then I believe one should immediately part ways to be happy in their life.
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AA Aug 23, 2019 08:55pm
" We used to be told that when the husband comes home, his shoes are placed in a certain manner, his clothes are kept in a proper way. There should be a roti on the tawa just ready to be served with the salan." Why does a man need a wife for this, he can simply hire a maid who leaves after performing all these duties?
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Rizwan Aug 23, 2019 09:03pm
I am no feminist but I seriously do not agree with this Aunty. Back in Aunty’s day (and even my mom’s), the ladies got married as early as when they turned 16ish. They never got educated and it was culturally accepted that women would bake rotis while men earn the rotis. With so many capable doctors and engineers and politicians who are ladies, that environment is no longer correct. Even if you look from religious perspective I’ve not read stories about Hazrat Ayesha (RA)or BiBi Fatima (AS) were forced to make food for their spouses. I believe the Aunty was more trying to imply how “azad khayal” the girls these day are and can challenge their In-laws. Unfortunately with a world in the palm of your hand (the smart phones off course) it will be really hard to make slaves.
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Reality Check Aug 23, 2019 09:36pm
@Pathetic_Thinking Living in the 21st-century one must realize that there is an overlapping of roles from both parents. Mothers and fathers work in and outside of homes trying to make ends meet and should be able to do house chores and tend to children, equally. Nothing to do with feminism or traditional practices.
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Faisal Aug 23, 2019 10:03pm
@Amin Syed how many Pakistanis are raised by working parents? Answer: the vast majority. Do you honestly think our poor rely on a single income to raise their families? The whole 'men work, women stay at home' concept began when certain segments of society accumulated enough wealth for women to stay at home. According to the UN, women perform 60% of global labour, yet reap only 10% global GDP. Women's labour is simply made invisible. Men, historically and in the majority, have never been the sole or even main breadwinners. But they sure like to think so. And they sure won't do dishes.
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Khalida Husain Aug 23, 2019 11:27pm
@Amin Syed where did you get the number that one percent of women work in Pakistan and raise family aswell? How about the women in cities who do menial work for a living and those in villages who work on the farms while their men smoke hoqqa? They raise their famlies also.
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Shehensha Aug 23, 2019 11:47pm
I told my wife 20 years ago not to make Roti at home, just buy it from stores. Well...its 20 years yesterday and our marriage is still going on strong :) It was too much work making rotis along with other khaana.
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Sam Beet Aug 24, 2019 01:24am
#facepalm
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Nirmal Aug 24, 2019 01:49am
Nothing Frightens Men More than an EMPOWERED Women. As far as Mrs. Khan is concerned, she is the product of the Patriarchy.
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AsIf jamil Aug 24, 2019 02:26am
Being happily married for more than four decades and father of a married son & a young working unmarried daughter,I think, I am qualified to give my opinion. I am most surprised at the mentality of my countrymen who expect a wife to be a subservient slave. Marriage is a partnership and continuous compromise, there is no such thing that a wife has to baby sit her husband and carry out all his orders. Such a marriage cannot be a happy one, in my opinion. Wife has a life of her own too. But, she is expected to take care of the household and her children. I do not agree with everything Mrs. Khan said, she is from a different planet. It is the duty of us as parents to bring up our children in a happy environment and teach them to respect and value their partners when they get married because in modern times marriage is a union of two equals.
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Jamil Soomro, New York City Aug 24, 2019 04:30am
@Pakistani False expectation.This is 2019 there is no" Hot Roti" waiting for you.You will have to heat up the Roti and make it hot yourself. At least you are home.
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Secularist Aug 24, 2019 05:27am
More eloquent than the Aunty are the male chauvinistic comments posted. No wonder Pakistan is so backward where bahus with medical degrees are preferred only to be confined to kitchen to make hot rotis, and serve husbands without "letting lose" their tongues. There are literally thousands of men abroad who are progressive, respectful and would be happy to marry Pakistani women for their intrinsic worth rather than their prowess in making rotis, arranging shoes and live like gungi gudiyas. Ladies pack your bags! You deserve much better.
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Kris Aug 24, 2019 06:38am
I am appalled at the number of replies to this article supporting Mrs Khan and even more shocked at the high ‘recommends’ these responses get. Needs a society wide change in view of women.
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kahkashan Aug 24, 2019 09:23am
In this era of 2019 when the woman has started hiring and depending on at-least 3 maasis at home , this is really not practical to get them back to the idea of becoming home maker.This may not really be the cause of divorces but that is a truth that women has taken an exit from the responsibilities at home by becoming an earning partner.
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Asad Aug 24, 2019 11:15am
The only ones taking offense are men who still think they can dictate a woman what to do or what not to do. Trust me guys, women do not need you anymore. You need them. A lot of women I know are financially independent and capable of kicking on your back. They are not reproductive machines, neither they are your or your family's servants. Pakistani women, please boycott marriage for a few years. Focus on your careers. Mrs Khan jaisi khawateen have an army of servants and no other ambition in life than have babies and keep the kitchen clean. Don't be a slave. Be a human being.
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Imad khan Aug 24, 2019 11:51am
@Pathetic_Thinking lets get over the roti thing. Our boys need to learn to live without ghar ki roti. Our women should not be treated as maids and house servants, as this is what they have been turned into.
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Ann Aug 24, 2019 12:00pm
Looks like majority of people in comments section are offspring of this rishta aunty. I've never been able to digest how much entitlement men feel that women should forget their passion and wishes, stay at home, work from early morning till late night and treat men like babies as they are unable to take care of their own personal needs. Ever thought about reversing the role to figure out how women feel? Forget women, why don't you guys have any self respect? How lazy are you that you cannot do your own chores, let alone slaving for house full of demanding people.
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ahmed Aug 24, 2019 07:19pm
@Khan Come out of the archaic thinking and confront reality of 21st century where two incomes are necessary. So both have to do house work, help cooking, do dishes etc. without complaining. Rotis can be bought and made over the weekends.
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kinza Aug 27, 2019 08:36pm
@Adnan --- haan to there wont be any change and only endless cycle of patriarchy and misogynism
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kinza Aug 27, 2019 08:41pm
@Kabir - her life is miserable because she was never given any power, any choice, or anything to think of herself as a person and to be able to make her own choice. Divorce happens for a reason but a woman's' life does not have to be miserable because she does not have a man to take care of her or because is she divorced. Give your daughters the confidence, education, skills she needs to raise herself and her kids if if ever comes to that , so she is not dependent on father, brother, husband, father in law, brother in law, etc. we see many many women supporting themselves and their families as single women, as single parents, etc we as a society have to stop shunning them and uplift them. being divorced is not a crime
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kinza Aug 27, 2019 08:43pm
@Mani - i feel sorry for you and sympathies to your wife
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kinza Aug 27, 2019 08:46pm
@Khan why dont you get a rotimatic and a roomba? only will need change of batteries or electricity from time to time, will not require emotional stability or maturity. its a win for you but a bigger win for the woman who dodged a bullet by not marrying you
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