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People on social media are speaking out against the toxic side of Pakistan's rishta culture

Does our local rishta culture actually degrade a person's self worth? Twitter seems to think so

25 Mar, 2019

In Pakistan, we seem to have a formula for successful marriages. Never mind that it hasn't exactly proven to be effective or true.

The suitability of both men and women as spouses is gauged based on a narrow criteria of looks, wealth and perceived attitudes — a criteria that diminishes their humanity and instead serves to perpetuate our culture's traditional gender roles.

But these young people are here to say that they've had it:

Like this woman who points out that rishta set-ups need to be seen as a toxic, unhealthy exercise:

And this man who feels rishta culture needs to make allowances for the to-be couple to get to know each other:

This woman says degrading women over a certain age needs to end:

This guy talked about where our obsession with appearance stems from:

This young woman's personal experience underscores the fact that that's not okay:

Do we really want to make our life decisions based on snap judgments? Read this woman's experience

This woman talks about how her personal growth is hindered by rishta culture

Comments

Khalid Mar 25, 2019 08:18pm

We need to get rid of the Rishta culture. Our daughters and sisters are humiliated every day and we just sit and watch. Shame on those people who continue to encourage this rubbish. How primitive is this practice and it has nothing to do with our religion?

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Talha Mar 25, 2019 09:04pm

All the points mentioned are absolutely correct except the fact that the divorced men are considered as leftovers not worthy to be first preference for marriage in the article. Divorced or not, one's character and personality should be prioritised over all else.

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SyedChaudhryGangaDinKhanNiazi Mar 25, 2019 09:08pm

So called 'rishta' is a life long commitment and two people should be able to decide who they would like to spend their life with. These 'aunties' that arrange these rishtas should stay out of this business.

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Saeeds Mar 25, 2019 09:12pm

It's not Rishta culture but class culture. Conservatives Religious families are stuck with this culture. Open minded disregard of there income level Believe in choice of the person

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N abidai Mar 25, 2019 09:44pm

Rishta culture can be changed by showing respectful way to arrange rishta's., in tv ad's,dramas,and films,plus novels ! Arts is what changes and civilizes the societies !,

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St. Mercury Mar 25, 2019 09:44pm

One more thing need to addressed is cousin marriages. Since I did not marry any cousins( I have a plenty of them), my aunts and uncles still hate my guts. I think it is unhealthy and the children come out of such marriage could have mental and physiological issues.

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Ari Mar 25, 2019 09:52pm

just to point out the this rishta culture doesn't happen all over Pakistan. I am tired of people making Lahore/Karachi or Punjabi/Sindhi culture as the culture of entire Pakistan. stop generalizing our country.

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HashBrown® Mar 25, 2019 09:52pm

@Saeeds "It's not Rishta culture but class culture." I respectfully disagree. Across all classes in Pakistan, it seems there's a platoon of aunties (and quite a few uncles) who send determined to pass their own stale, backward prejudices down to the next generation. They are the single greatest problem confronting our young Pakistanis, and as usual, it's often the girls who suffer far more than the boys.

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Laila Mar 25, 2019 09:54pm

All valid points. But at the end of true day the blame largely lies with parents who treat their daughters like objects and burdeb to be sent off asap. They allow people to denigrate their daughters based solely on her gender. Imagine if ladki walay talked that way about the boy in front of him and his family. Oh the outrage! So how about treating your daughters as humans and showing the world they deserve the best. Stop gender discrimination and your own inferiority complex og being ladki waley. Set requirements to ensure your daughters are treated well, are provided for and know their rights under law and religion. Don't just hand them overto any guy. Show through your words and action that you will not accept any pain or cruelty inflicted on your daughter. Do all that and things will change.

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Taha Mar 25, 2019 10:49pm

damn we're so shallow.

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Asadullah Mar 25, 2019 10:52pm

Being a brother of two sisters, nieces and cousins, i strongly nullify such practice which is generated by some people.

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Sajjad Mar 25, 2019 10:57pm

Sorry we have the male dominant society in Pakistan and this is where the problem lies. We know men and women aren't just equal in our society. Plus we evaluate people based on their wealth, status, business and all such affairs! In the west, where I live, people marry for love! They dont care about status or wealth. So in the west, it is absolutely fine for a doctor to marry a cleaner.

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Noor Mar 25, 2019 11:31pm

We live in the most ccomplicated society and in the most confused times! We aren't allowed to date because that's wrong and then won't go for arranged because we can't know the person beforehand. And what can be the criteria to guage anyone in an arranged marriage? If its not education, looks, wealth, decency etc? Our limited mind can only guage these few things and more. It's even in religion to guage a prospective person on character, beauty, status. You cant know a person just by few talks. Even after living with somebody takes months and years to know them better. Then why stigmatisizng this cultural practice? It will make things even more difficult. And what's the other way around? Matchmaking happens all over the world and these aunties only show the prospective person. Be thankful! Rest is upto the family no harm! No offense.

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Najam Mar 25, 2019 11:36pm

@Saeeds Wrong! Its conservative traditionalist families. Dont dare mix them. I am religious but I hate this culture aswell.

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LAHORI KID Mar 25, 2019 11:45pm

I understand the frustration and hate towards this RISTA deal, and I do agree that no one should really make a decision for their daughter without her approval. And let’s not blame only the parents or some aunty for having issues with ladies who are overweight or darker complexion, we live in a world where a lot of men and women both don’t want to be seen with a dark overweight person, we all have been brainwashed, for decades.

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LAHORI KID Mar 25, 2019 11:49pm

I married a divorcee with two kids, I couldn’t have found a better friend than my wife. And best part, my brother and sisters told her parents we wanted nothing on the wedding day, just put their clothes in their old suitcases and we were taking them to their new home, that was 8 years ago. I love my life. It’s about the people’s mentality, and their upbringing, our parents taught us to value people, not money or status.

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Imran Mar 26, 2019 12:00am

people are so mean

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YASIR FAROOQUI Mar 26, 2019 12:25am

There must be physical attrition for each other to like someone on first sight. It doesn’t mean Dark or over weight people are not included in that attraction. To get to know one an another you got to have communication in-person, online or over the phone to have a long term & healthy relationship.

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shoaib Mar 26, 2019 12:29am

The problem is the culture that gives boys the choice to go and find the right girl for them while girls have to sit at home and wait. following changes need to be made. 1) The girls and their parents should also go and find rishtas for their girls the same way boy's parents do. 2) Marriage should be simplified and made simple and cheap. 3) Dowry and Haq Mehar should be minimal. 4) Second, third and fourth marriages for physically and financially capable men should be encouraged. 5) Marriages of divorced and widowed men and women should be encouraged. 6) The caste system should be discouraged. All muslims can marry into each other.

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Jaleel rahman Mar 26, 2019 12:35am

I wonder about parents who degrade their daughters for the sake of LOG KIA KAHAIN GAY and age old age limits for women.

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ik20. Mar 26, 2019 01:31am

As if this only happens in Pakistan, who love you for sake of love? Everyone choose the best options and it makes sense. Can i marry Katrina or will she allow me? Ok let’s say I’m jobless and struggling will a lady doctor marry me?

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Abbas Khan Mar 26, 2019 01:33am

Well written article. I wonder how arrange marriages will take place if you dont want the rishta culture? I agree, this could lead to personality issue for both girls and boys if not accepted in rishta culture. I think the parents should let them handle it by themselves. Nowadays there are many options such as authentic onine meet up websites for muslims. Zamana badal giya hai.

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LOL Mar 26, 2019 01:55am

And then we wonder why we are so backward as a nation.

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Sajjad Mar 26, 2019 02:13am

Sadly, all these stories are from literate/elite/urbanised section if the society. You will find match making in rural and under previliged sometimes more liberal.

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hussain Mar 26, 2019 03:02am

@Saeeds doubtful, I think you've been watching too many movies, people choose spouses on many criteria. is it the norm for the liberal rich to marry a pauper?. this crass mentality of blaming the conservative religious for everything is getting a bit much.

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haider Mar 26, 2019 04:09am

We all know there are big problems with the Rishta culture as it is practiced today. So, what is the practical solution? Should parents encourage their sons and daughters to find their life partners themselves? Maybe yes, but then you come across the whole set of new issues. Rishta culture definitely needs upgrading! Let's brainstorm what can be done to bring it into the 21st century.

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utter patriot Mar 26, 2019 06:37am

People on social media are speaking out against the toxic side of Pakistan's belligerent culture

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Gordon D. Walker Mar 26, 2019 07:27am

Disappointing ...

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HOney Mar 26, 2019 08:17am

In one aspect, complexion issue in relation to girls is being raised but unfortunately men also face such issues. For not being good looking , men loose a good rishta too. ahh, so unfortunate. the problem is both sided. May our minds get better.

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Sameer Mar 26, 2019 08:50am

Highly toxic, completely agree.

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Shah Mar 26, 2019 10:42am

I am a man, 41 years old, settled and very well off and 4 children. No one is interested in me either since I already have children and age.

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Anonymouseee Mar 26, 2019 10:43am

Arranged marriage has so far worked just fine within my extended family.

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rehan Mar 26, 2019 02:22pm

Need any alternate method to stop this. Similar manner the financial condition of boy side must not be given that much weightage

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Bhutta Mar 26, 2019 04:40pm

It is same to men above critical person also part of the game we go to meet Rishtah for their son and brother

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Laila Mar 27, 2019 03:12am

@shoaib if you ever run for politics you have my vote.

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Laila Mar 27, 2019 03:17am

@Shah Have you contemplated looking for a woman in your own age group who might also be a widower or divorced with kids? Or an older/mature single woman who also needs a companion? Men often aim for women half their age or just younger. That's unrealistic as she may want to experience motherhood and marriage with somebody who is also single, unmarried and new to all these things. I wish you luck.

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Ahmed Mar 27, 2019 06:10am

@ik20. Are you smart looking?

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Mary Jackman Mary Mar 27, 2019 04:59pm

The man Pakistani, check up Americans womans, latino womans, for marry, for get out of your country, but like that woman have money for paid every. This network's change the customs of this countries, the mentality of the people is very bad to much opportunist, take care with the engagement with people that you don't know nothing

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Cheryfa Jamal Mar 27, 2019 07:01pm

@Noor I think, (and I could be wrong), that the best of both ways, East and West, can be incorporated to find an appropriate spouse. Having many family social events can bring two families together to see if there are reasonable compatibilities. The two people don't really have to interact much, they can communicate with complete supervision to ensure haya, but they can at least observe each other's nature, personality and family, and have questions answered regarding major issues. Parents' characters will be a strong indicator to what their children are like. If you want to know what kind of husband he will be after the children arrive, look at his father. No matter how sweet he seems now, THAT is his most likely personality as a husband and father. And vice versa. She might be very accommodating right now, but when she becomes comfortable in the marriage, her mother's opinions and actions will most probably be reflected in her own. Young people need to be in on the decision!

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Laila Mar 27, 2019 08:56pm

@Noor We can date if we are willing to open our minds acbd and date in a way where we feel secure. Rishtay Wali wacholnay play a role. Parents arranging their daughters marriages are under pressure from society, professional match makers and their own family. So it is not just a simple mater of choice. Pakistani culture is very much influenced by log kya kahain ge. Peer pressure. If you wait for the right match, who will respect your daughter, people think you're delaying deliberately or are high maintainence. I was 26 when ristay wali told my parents she is too old to secure a bachelor. Her best options is to marry an older mature divorced man who has kids already. Like what?? So I think we need to change the culture and mentality before we can see progress. The choice is non existant. You re expected to follow the flow nd accept criticism of your daughters. Let's not follow the flow and the more who do that the more change will happen.

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