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Mariyam Nafees isn’t exactly on board with the way traditional joint-family systems work in Pakistan, especially when it comes to the relationship dynamic between sons and their parents.

The actor spoke against the dichotomy drawn between adult sons and daughters when she appeared on Good Morning Pakistan on Tuesday to speak about the insecurities women face in life.

The discussion was revolving around the pressure many women face to give birth to a son rather than a daughter, when Nafees said the ideas that pushed this pressure were now outdated.

“The biggest reason they give is ‘Sons will support you in old-age, daughters will go to their husband’s home,’ whereas in today’s day and age, across all classes, boys leave their parents’ home after marriage. A son is a son till he gets himself a wife, a daughter is a daughter all her life.”

The actor said she knew daughters who supported their parents, even after getting married, insisting that such antiquated ideas need to be “eradicated” from society. She said there were parents out there who had multiple sons, but yearned to have a daughter.

“We are a lazy nation,” Nafees said. “Ask anyone why they want sons and they’ll tell you they want support in old age.”

“Sons aren’t even as affectionate as daughters, but still everyone will tell you they want sons to support them.”

She urged such parents to stand on their own feet: “Be your own support in old age. Use your youth to make enough money to support yourself through retirement.”

Actor Shermeen Ali interjected to say support isn’t necessarily financial and could also be emotional and moral, but said that sons had the right to their own lives with their families.

“When a man gets married, he has a wife and kids, it’s not necessary that he lives [with his parents] all his life. It’s possible he needs to move away… In that sense, I think, sons and daughters are the same at times,” she said.

Ali added that she was the youngest of five girls and she always felt her parents had tried to have a son. She said that they had seemed disappointed over not having a son for some time, but now she and her sisters support their mother just like any son would.

Later, host Nida Yasir moved the direction towards mothers-in-law and how some of them torment their daughters-in-law in an effort to ensure sons remain loyal to their mothers over their wives.

Life coach Saima Hashim said this was a long-running cycle where women who had faced such abuse “projected it” upon the next generation. “The majority of mothers-in-law feel their sons’ marriages present a challenge to their authority… they see a potential for loss of identity.”

Nafees said this went against religious teachings “which say children should be given a separate home when they get married”. She said every family needs their space.

Being a boy-mom herself, the actor said she had already started preparing herself for when her two-year-old son will eventually leave the nest. “It won’t be his wife’s job to care for us. She has no such responsibility.”

She said even if parents couldn’t give their children a separate house, the least they could do was let their incoming daughters-in-law make any changes to the house which would make them more comfortable.

“When people, especially aunties, believe we’re right because of our age and the new girl must be wrong, that’s also where the damage starts.”

Ali said things were hopefully on the path towards change. She said her generation had changed the way they raise kids and might also adopt similar attitudes towards old ideas when those children got married.

Yasir said people needed to mentally prepare themselves for the day their children don’t need them as much as they did when they were kids. She also asked older women to keep themselves busy. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop,” she warned.