Updated May 27, 2016 02:33pm

A comprehensive list of things you can 'lightly beat' other than your wife

Egg beating on the other hand is permissible.
Egg beating on the other hand is permissible.

Old dudes say the darndest things, don't they?

Yesterday the Council of Islamic Ideology -- a body comprising elderly religious men -- made waves when its proposed ‘model’ women’s protection bill saw the light of day.

The CII's bill is a response to the Women's Protection Bill passed in the Punjab Assembly last year which, among other things, outlines punishment for those who commit domestic violence. The council clearly felt several clauses in the above bill could be made more perfect.

How so, you might ask? According to CII logic: reverse them.

That is how we arrived at the point where the CII's 'ideal' protection for women equals encouraging men to beat their wives. 'Lightly,' of course. And 'if needed.'

The bill left us scratching our heads. How, we wondered, could 'lightly beating' your wife be considered a good thing? Several hours and a dozen headaches later we gave up trying to mind meld with the CII.

Instead, to anyone who might be compelled to 'lightly beat' a woman, we offer alternatives. Because wife beating is bad. It is a crime, in fact. Here, have a go at this instead.

1) An egg

We understand that very few members of the CII might've seen this roughly spherical object outside its better known form as an omelette. No matter. It's very simple: you break an egg into a bowl, pick up a fork and 'lightly beat' it. We're confident that 'lightly beating' an egg will give you a curious sense of satisfaction.

2) The end of a ketchup bottle

This too is permissible. All the better to enjoy your samosa with.

3) Particularly frozen ice trays

Now, bear in mind this is only possible if you have not previously expressed a moral or religious objection to keeping a refrigerator in the house.

4) A dirty carpet

Actually, you can 'lightly beat' that carpet even if it's clean. Cool with us.

5) Crumbs from your bed

That late night snack is a secret between you and bed. Get rid of the evidence.

6) The podium, if you're a frustrated lawmaker

The CII probably has experience with this one. Go ahead, lightly beat that desk. Get it all out. Look at how happy it makes them.

7) A remote control

Remotes can be cruel, petty creatures. They turn on you when you need them most, like when you need to quickly flip the TV channel to pretend you weren't watching Mathira's latest dance number. It's ok to 'lightly beat' your malfunctioning remote.

8) It

As seen in the Micheal Jackson classic.

Sing along with me as you shake those hips! Beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it...

9) Yourself

Important: do this every time you think 'lightly beating' women is a thing.

Lesson learned?


This article is categorised as humour/satire. Its content is not meant to be read literally, and the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer or the views of the IMAGES editorial staff.

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