If James Bond was made in Pakistan...

If James Bond was made in Pakistan...

Who would star? Who would direct? And could 007 keep up his womanizing without the ghairat brigade on his trail?
Updated 14 Mar, 2016

James Bond is one of the most iconic fictional characters in the world. Since 1962, there have been 23 official films based on the secret agent, and the franchise falls in one of the top three grossing film series of all time.

This begs the question, what would a Pakistani production of James Bond look like? Who would star and direct? More importantly, would the Pakistani Bond be able to keep up his womanizing without the ghairat brigade on his trail?

James Bond

Who would play the man himself? Usually, when peoples peak of a Pakistani 007 they throw around names such as Fawad Khan, Shaan, and Humayun Saeed.

But no, this isn’t how the casting of Bond usually works. Almost without fail, a lesser known talent is selected to take up the mantle. Someone the world of cinema is unfamiliar with, who can make the role his own.

These are our picks:

Noor Hassan Rizvi

Although the talented actor has advanced in his career post Humsafar, Noor hasn’t hit the heights of Fawad or Mahira. This could be because the goodlooking star played a supporting character in the breakout drama, rather than a leading role. Of course, this makes him a perfect candidate for the Pakistani James Bond.

Certainly, Noor’s dark streak should make for a deliciously gritty 007, similar to Daniel Craig and Timothy Dalton.

Danish Ali

This Pakistani comedian/actor is a talented performer and looks good in a suit. Sometimes this is all you need to play a secret agent.

Danish’s version may come across as a bit loony though, but perhaps a Pakistani James Bond needs a little bit of cray cray.

Junaid Jamshed

Recently, Daniel Craig said James Bond is a ‘very lonely, sexist misogynist', so uh… why not?

Our only concern is regarding the script rewrites Junaid Bond will demand:

Bond girl: “Take me James, I am yours.”

Junaid Bond: “Uhhh… how about we just hold hands?”

Bond girl: “OK, how about a martini?”

Junaid Bond: “How about a lassi?”

Some dialogue would remain unchanged, however:

Bond girl: “Can I drive your Aston Martin?”

Junaid Bond: “No. No you can not.”


The Pakistan test cricket captain is riding a wave of popularity, and would make a perfect older James Bond. He may not carry any acting experience, but hey, this is a Pakistani film after all.

Misbah’s careful nature may not translate well to the dynamic character though.

Bond girl: “Quick James, he has a bomb, hurry!”

Tuk Tuk Bond: “Wait; let me just think about this.”

Bond girl: “Hurry or I will die!”

Tuk Tuk Bond: “No, just slowwwww down.”

Bond girl: “JAMES!”

Tuk Tuk Bond: “Oops. I ran out of partners.”

The Bond girl

Iman Ali

With her killer looks, supermodel height, and wide range of talent, Iman would make the perfect Bond girl.

In fact, she should be cast in the next official Bond film. Get on it Hollywood!

Mahira Khan

This young actress would leave fans salivating if cast alongside Noor. A real worry for Mahira could be if the film presents India in a negative light, as would be likely in a Pakistani spy film.

Recently, after posing at Nabila's Halloween party with Asim, who was dressed as a member of Shiv Sena, Mahira apologized on Twitter for the harmless joke. Don’t apologize Mahira. That’s not what a Bond girl does.

Reham Khan

Reham would make a fabulous Bond girl. We think she would be especially convincing as a double agent.

Certainly, she can simulate a sophisticated accent, and is dedicated to whatever job she takes on, whether it is a presenter on the BBC in England, or a TV show host in Pakistan.

But perhaps what we like best is her ‘I don’t give a ****’ attitude on Twitter. That’s the sort of defiance we need from a Pakistani Bond girl. Mahira, please take note.

The Bond villain

Hamza Ali Abbasi

The opinionated actor everyone loves to hate, Hamza would make for an excellent rival to 007. As we have noted from his work on Burka Avenger, he has the skills to pull off a bad guy.

We can see Hamza’s Bond villain as a sympathetic former spy gone rogue, with an axe to grind with his former employers. Hopefully all the racy scenes will be shot after Hamza’s work is done, or he may disown the film.

Hamza’s ego could also create other complications, “I was offered every role in this film, including the Bond girl!”

Shoaib Ahmed Shaikh

From his speeches alone, the Axact CEO sounds a lot like a Bond villain. His rants are not only emotionally manipulative, but full of conspiracy theories.

Allegedly, Shoaib masterminded a multimillion dollar fake diploma enterprise, which caught victims across the world. What’s more, Shoaib was positioning himself into becoming one of the most powerful media moguls in the nation using these funds.

If Shoaib isn’t born to play a Bond villain, then we don’t know who is. At the very least, the scriptwriters could have fun at his expense.

Bond: “We finally caught you.”

Shoaib: “I’ll never talk. Now where’s my lawyer?”

Bond: “Here he is.”

Shoaib: “Oh thank god.”

Bond: “Good luck. He’s a graduate of Columbiana.”

Shoaib: “@#@!!$”

Altaf Hussain

This political leader in self-exile can sing, cry, laugh, and deliver earth-shattering speeches with powerful one-liners at will. In short, he has all the ingredients of an award-winning actor.

The logistical problems could result in some issues, especially with bhai phoning in his dialogues:

Bond: “Tell me everything you know!”

Altaf Hussain: Zzzzzzzzzz….

Bond: “Tell me everything you know!

Altaf Hussain: Zzzzzzzzzz….

Bond: ahem "Tell me everything you know!”

Altaf Hussain: “Huh! Huh! I told you I haven’t done any laundry. I don’t even have a washing machine!”

Bond: “Wait… That’s not in the script.”

Who would direct?

Pakistani filmmakers aren’t particularly experienced at shooting action sequences, so a stunt director from Hong Kong would be a welcome part of the team.

As for the director, Academy Award winner Sharmeen Obaid Chinoy would be an interesting gamble, though she isn’t known for live action films.

Shoaib Mansoor could do the job, except he has a tendency to overstuff his films with various themes.

This leaves us with the hottest director in Pakistan at the moment, Jami.

Jami’s version of Bond could either be a tremendous espionage film, or a pedestrian four hour long drama where 007 is inexplicably crying throughout, there is a dull card game that lasts several hours, and the audience is never quite sure what’s happening, until the film suddenly ends.

At the sign of closing credits, we will all praise the film for fear of coming across as stupid. But hey, at least it will look nice.


pk Nov 08, 2015 02:41pm
Pakistan has so many natural villains. How about Mullah Fazlullah or One eyed handsome Mullah Omar?
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Ahmer Nov 08, 2015 02:47pm
Hilarious... JJ should have been made Bond (for real) before you became Maulana JJ, maybe he could have been saved. Other than that please write more and more... You are definitely a breeze in the dry land of NFP. Please print, I want NFP to know that he is not funny at all and this is what a good satire is supposed to be. Thanks.
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Rahul Nov 08, 2015 03:05pm
LOL! Although I'm yet to see a Pakistani movie, the article was very funny! :)
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Zulfiqar Nov 08, 2015 03:09pm
Complete Waste of Time...
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ghinva Raza Nov 08, 2015 03:11pm
lolss...this iss epic!!!! tik tuk bond!!,Danish Ali & just holding hands..Hilariouss!! wacky sense of humor!! @ Noman Ansari ..
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Yasir Nov 08, 2015 03:20pm
Man! This is hilarious. Bravo to the author....
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Skeptic Nov 08, 2015 03:24pm
Exactly not one Bond film has been shot anywhere in Pakistan,
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South Indian Nov 08, 2015 03:37pm
Reham Khan ? Seriously ? Respect her age man !!! She would be best fit for Agent 'M'
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Muhammad Bilal Nov 08, 2015 04:02pm
We are much behind india. We are just thinking to make such a movie while india has shot various scenes of james bond in various movies in much comic way.
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Goga Nalaik Nov 08, 2015 04:23pm
Bon girl: take me bon, I'm all yours Junaid bond: euh.. how about if we just hold hands Bond girl: how bout a martini Bond girl: can I drive your car Hilarious stuff... By the way, I've been to Manchester 2 weeks ago and saw the new ladies fashion outlet of Junaid Bond in Curry Mile (South of Manchester) area. I was surprised to see that there was no notice saying "ladies who drive their own cars ar not allowed to shop here" ... :)
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A. Ali Nov 08, 2015 04:32pm
Noman, you said there have been 23 official films based on this character ... okay, thanks for telling us this. how many are unofficial movies made on this character, tell us in one go. I would love to watch those unofficial movies as well............. since am die hard fan of 007. please tell me Noman. only 23 movies have been made on this character... nothing is official or unofficial.
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dev Nov 08, 2015 04:46pm
Well Junaid Jamshed potrays the James Bond for Pakistan, he should change his dress though. None of the girls shown would fit the bill for a Pakistani bond girl, ideal Pakistani bond girls would be the ones wearing burkha with not even their eyes being seen properly by others.
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Maverick Nov 08, 2015 04:46pm
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deven Nov 08, 2015 04:52pm
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nurul huda Nov 08, 2015 05:13pm
lol!! misbah's part are hilarious.. tuk tuk bond... by the way, is aman ali the girl who played lead role in ''khuda kay liye''????
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Zia Nov 08, 2015 05:20pm
Rooh afza shaken not stirred....
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Noman Ansari Nov 08, 2015 05:46pm
@A. Ali Thanks for your sarcastic inquiry. There have been 23 official Bond films, authorized by the Bond estate. 24 if you count Specter, which released after I wrote the article. There have been a few unofficial ones. Never Say Never Again is one of them. It stars Sean Connery but it isn't an official Bond film. If you were a die hard James Bond fan as you claim... or even a die hard Google fan, you'd know that. :)
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Noman Ansari Nov 08, 2015 05:48pm
@Ahmer Thank for the compliment but he's an established writer with a massive fan base. :)
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Obi kanobi Nov 08, 2015 06:45pm
Apart fron Shan I don't think most of our leading male actors are tough enough to play Bond, unless it is a romantic comedy/tragedy with lots of musical numbers and there is a 'zalim saas' involved somewhere. And you forgot the most important role of all - the iconic Bond car - could it be a Cultus or Alto?
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Patrick Nov 08, 2015 08:18pm
Cinema goers in the west would not go to see a James Bond with a big shady beard like Jamshed
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Rafique soomar Nov 08, 2015 08:45pm
No doubt Iman Ali can do the james bond role . It will be a hit.
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Abdul Karim Nov 08, 2015 10:39pm
Nawaz will star. Musharraf will be the underworld.
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Asif Nov 08, 2015 10:48pm
funny lol
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FAK Nov 08, 2015 10:52pm
My choices would be: Misbah Ul Haq as Mr. Bond Reham Khan as Bond girl Altaf Hussain as Bond villain Bring it on !!! :p
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Afsana Nov 08, 2015 11:24pm
Very funny....Hahaha
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k.janjua Nov 09, 2015 12:47am
J.J : Cold lassi stirred not shaken.
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Ajay vikram Singh Nov 09, 2015 02:53am
Imran khan would have been a good choice to play James khan.
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Cassim Nov 09, 2015 03:58am
The Pakistani Bond would introduce himself as "I am Khan", "Banda Khan".
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Jay Nov 09, 2015 07:45am
Mullah Bond looks cool !! I would love to have seen a hijab-wearing Bond girl.
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Double P Nov 09, 2015 08:30am
Heard Iman Ali suffers from a rare disease? Please clarify anybody..
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Sabeen Nov 09, 2015 08:39am
Lol.... Nice article ....
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SFB Nov 09, 2015 10:14am
I think Imran Khan would make a good James Bond.
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KJ Nov 09, 2015 10:48am
someone is trying to be NFP here ...
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mohammad Khan Sydney Australia Nov 09, 2015 11:40am
A James Bond film "OPERATION KARACHI" was made in Pakistan in the 1960s first Pakistani model Rukhshanda acted in it as Jane Bond. Some L P Albums were also made in USA by Jerry ???? about Operation Karachi. I have been searching fof the album could not find it. If any one knows about it can you please let me know. Rukshanda was a well talented lady she had learnt KARATE AND Taekowndo . I wonder if the girls in the pictures above have any talent like Rukshanda
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Fahim Nov 09, 2015 12:19pm
Ha ha. Very funny.
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Hamaad Nov 09, 2015 07:57pm
What about Ayaan as a Bond girl? She already has a well laid out plot ready for the movie.
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Ron Jeremy Nov 10, 2015 12:10pm
@Hamaad Ayyan as the bond girl and for JB I recommend Syed Jibran (Good actor)
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Alien1 Nov 10, 2015 02:04pm
You forgot zaid hamid who once said he was a trained in gorrilla(guerrilla) warfare
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sanaya Nov 10, 2015 08:35pm
@pk What about shiv sena or by that logic Modi a mass murderer?
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mubashir Nov 12, 2015 10:58pm
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