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What happens when you celebrate Valentine's Day with Mamnoon and protesters? I find out

What happens when you celebrate Valentine's Day with Mamnoon and protesters? I find out

Can an anti-Valentine's Day protest shed light on the contentious holiday?
15 Feb, 2016

As I woke up on Saturday morning, a day before Valentine’s Day, I was left stupefied by a shocking piece of news on Dawn.com.

The headline read: “President urges people not to observe Valentine’s Day.”

Shaking my head with disbelief, I wondered if it was merely a clever piece of satire.

Giving in to curiosity, I gave the article a read.

While the story indeed seemed real, it wasn’t any less surprising:

“President Mamnoon Hussain on Friday urged people of the country not to observe Valentine’s Day, saying that it was not a part of Muslim tradition, but of the West. Addressing a function, the president said: “Valentine’s Day has no connection with our culture and it should be avoided.”

The statement was followed by evil laughter -- Mamnoon was punishing everyone for him forgetting to buy his wife flowers!
The statement was followed by evil laughter -- Mamnoon was punishing everyone for him forgetting to buy his wife flowers!

Still skeptical, I decided to seek confirmation. Here, I emailed my editor at Dawn, texted my contacts at other newspapers, called my therapist, messaged my friends on Facebook, and even spoke to my parents.

Yes, dear readers, it is true. Apparently this country does have an incumbent president and his name is Mamnoon Hussain. Clearly, we didn’t know he existed until now because he didn’t have a national issue as pressing as Valentine’s Day to speak against.

(No-Ishq-e-)Mamnoon Hussain’s words resonated with me. He was right. Valentine’s Day had no connection with our culture.

The fact that he delivered this speech in English, a language of a culture other than our own, merely seemed like intelligent commentary on how deeply Western culture had been adopted by Pakistanis.

Impressed by the President’s stance, I Googled some of his images. Here are a few of them:

I was impressed by his devotion. Clearly, in an attempt to highlight how widely Pakistan has adopted Western culture, President Mamnoon Hussain had worn dashing Western suits in the vast majority of his public appearances. What’s more, he was wearing a red tie and handkerchief in every picture.

Hussain is a big fan of the emotionally intense colour of love
Hussain is a big fan of the emotionally intense colour of love

“Aha!” I thought. “This is more intelligent commentary on the integration of imperialist Western culture. This man pretends to celebrate Valentine’s Day every day of the year. I haven’t seen such dedication in method acting since Heath Ledger took on the role of The Joker!”

I certainly appreciated the president’s wisdom. In a country suffering from target killings, honor killings, extortion, kidnappings, poverty, corruption, terrorism, illiteracy, forced conversions, child marriages, rapes, gang rapes, child molestations, obviously for a president, the evils of Valentine’s Day were top priority.

Or perhaps he just needed a girlfriend.


At an anti-Valentine's Day protest I asked a niqab clad protestor why she was at the rally. “Because adopting elements of a foreign culture are wrong ya akhi!” she shouted. I was taken aback. “But isn’t the niqab you are wearing an element of foreign culture too?" I replied


“This is a good start,” I mused. “Let’s start by banning Valentine’s Day, and then perhaps we can ban men like Maulana Fabdul Fabreeze, who openly sympathizes with militant outfits like Al-Qaeda, Taliban, and ISIS. Surely Valentine’s Day is more dangerous than someone who speaks openly against the state.”

Maulana Fabdul Fabreeze hated V-day like a fat kid hates the treadmill
Maulana Fabdul Fabreeze hated V-day like a fat kid hates the treadmill

This, I decided was the right time to attend an anti-Valentine’s Day protest in sweltering Karachi.

Here, I was surprised to see many of the female demonstrators dressed in pink and red hijabs a day before V Day. “More clever commentary,” I nodded to myself.

I asked one of the niqab clad protestors why she was at the rally.

“Because adopting elements of a foreign culture are wrong ya akhi!” she shouted.

I was taken aback. “But isn’t the niqab you are wearing an element of foreign culture too? And, didn’t you use Arabic words? Also, isn’t that banner in English?”

“HOW DARE YOU CONFUSE ME WITH LOGIC!” she screamed.

My questions at this anti-V-day rally were not appreciated
My questions at this anti-V-day rally were not appreciated

Taken aback, I walked away to another lady who was dressed in a black niqab.

“What brings you to this protest?” I asked.

“Bro… I’m just looking for a date,” the rather masculine voice hit back.

My eyes widened as this mystery person slowly revealed his face.

It was Maulana Fabdul Fabreeze.

Responding to the quizzical look on my face, the Maulana explained, “Look. What better location to find a date than a place where dozens of heartbroken women are protesting against Valentine’s Day? By the way, just to let you know, the girl in the second row is Mamnoon. I found out the hard way bro. The mustache tickles.”

Girrrl, can I have your number so I can wake you up for Fajr?
Girrrl, can I have your number so I can wake you up for Fajr?

When I asked the Maulana why so many Pakistanis hated Valentine’s Day, he said, “Dekho. It is what I call Maulana’s First Law of V-Day. The degree to which you are involved in a happy relationship is inversely proportional to how much you despise Valentine’s Day. The last thing you need when alone and unhappy is to see pink and red colors thrust in your face everywhere in the city, and chocolates being sold at every corner.”

“Maulana, what other places have you tried to get a date?”

“Well, I was chatting online with this girl called InnocentAngel421 and things were getting hot and heavy. After months she finally showed me her finger nails. When I begged her to show me her face, it wasn’t what I expected. Can you guess who it was?”


When I asked the Maulana why so many Pakistanis hated Valentine’s Day, he said, “Dekho. It is what I call Maulana’s First Law of V-Day. The degree to which you are involved in a happy relationship is inversely proportional to how much you despise Valentine’s Day.


“It was our man in the western suits, wasn’t it?”

“Yes. Yes it was. That guy really needs a date. All this Valentine’s Day hate makes him a prime example of Maulana’s First Law of V-Day.”

Ignoring the fake Maulana, I moved deeper into the protest, where I chanted, “Down with overpriced flowers! Down with substandard chocolates!”

Later in the evening I received a call on my cellphone.

It was my wife, “Hey, it is Valentine’s Day. You didn’t forget right?”

“Oh s***!” I whispered as I raced towards my car.

The fake Maulana was correct. Valentine’s Day only has the potential to be unpleasant when you have no one to share it with. I remember when I was single and would be accosted with boys selling flowers at every traffic signal on Valentine’s Day.

“Sir, please buy these roses for your wife.”

“I am not married.”

“OK, how about for your girlfriend?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I am sorry. What about a cousin you are interested in who for now calls you bhai?”

“Look, I am happy being single.”

“Sure you are. Sure you are.”

All jests aside, single or not, I’ve never had a problem with Valentine’s Day.

In a relationship, it is a wonderful occasion to celebrate a healthy happy partnership. When, single, it is a time to rejoice in the bond between you and your parents, siblings, cats, or InnocentAngel421. In our busy lives if we pledge one year to appreciating our loved ones without dabbling in needless commercialism, then what’s wrong with that?

So don’t be bitter. Don’t be a part of Maulana’s First Law of V-Day.


Disclaimer: This article is categorised as humour/satire. Its content is not meant to be read literally, and the views expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of the writer or the views of the IMAGES editorial staff.

Comments

hasrat javed Feb 15, 2016 02:26pm
v day we celebrate as Sunday...lol
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Mohammad Salim Khalid Feb 15, 2016 02:35pm
It is pity Small issues like valentine day are getting so much attention.
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M from Finland Feb 15, 2016 02:45pm
Hilarious! :D
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El Cid Feb 15, 2016 02:49pm
Yet to find a girl who does not go weak kneed at roses and chocolates...not counting the engine purrring power under the hood.
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analyses Feb 15, 2016 03:01pm
Very hilarious and also brave article as majority public actually think Valentine's day as the source of all evil. Most people do not get the irony - wearing foreign culture dress (jeans, suits, pents ties) and speaking a foreign language (english) saying that V-Day is not part of their culture? So why wearing jeans, ties etc is also part of your culture? There are so many issues Pakistan face, and yet we are hell bent on protesting on something that shouldn't even be an issue.
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hamza sultan Feb 15, 2016 03:06pm
LOL.. good one!
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civi Feb 15, 2016 03:08pm
stone age people&culture.but liked the satire in the article
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XS Feb 15, 2016 03:21pm
A very tedious read, the writer is attempting to talk like NFP and that does not sit too well with his style of writing. Not everyone can write funny you know.
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Tihar Feb 15, 2016 03:34pm
"After months of chatting online she finally showed me her finger nails " hahahaha. I love it.
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Kp Feb 15, 2016 03:35pm
Women in niqab seems very rude, its not fair that she can look at me, judge me but i can't.
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A. A. Feb 15, 2016 03:38pm
End this V Day celebrations. It's cruel for men with 10 plus years of marriage to look for over expensive flowers - not to mention a LV bag to go with it. Too much expectations built up for this single day resulting in loss of hard earned bank balance. I fully support our president (wherever he is).
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stranger Feb 15, 2016 03:44pm
I am sure the President will avoid talking about such topics in the future.
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Mahmood Feb 15, 2016 04:19pm
Move on people. Worry about your daily existence, load-shedding and clean water instead. More important matters need attention.
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Muslim Medina Feb 15, 2016 05:14pm
This valentine day is nothing but commercial and days like this make merchants make fool of the masses selling items at sky rocket prices and then smile with pride.
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khanm Feb 15, 2016 05:31pm
Today is Valentine's Day - or, as some men likes to call it Extortion Day! it is matter of opinion...
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Faiza Feb 15, 2016 05:52pm
I am sure Mr. President enjoyed his days and now he is too old for that. To the whole world out there... a very happy V day... Stay happy and grow.
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M. Siddique Feb 15, 2016 05:56pm
Funny write up. Mamnoon made the statement on Friday and said he forgot to buy flowers for his wife? He still had two days.
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HBK Feb 15, 2016 05:58pm
Poor article
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wellwisher Feb 15, 2016 06:35pm
thank you.you are very very right
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Philosopher (from Japan) Feb 15, 2016 07:07pm
Wonderful article it refreshed my confused mind whether to protest to apprise Valentine day.
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farooqui Feb 15, 2016 07:34pm
Irrespective about presumed level of literacy (taleem), thanks for exposing the actual low level of education (tarbiat) and knowledge (ilm) of our elected and nominated leaders - JazakAllah Khair
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Reality Bites Feb 15, 2016 07:38pm
Funny but true take on this valentine's day celebrations. Red flowers and mithai, that business has been flourishing since hundreds of years in Indo Pak culture.
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Sohail Ansari Feb 15, 2016 07:47pm
Well done Noman. Loved it!
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Khawaja Feb 15, 2016 07:58pm
Valentine Day is celebration of love between husband and wife, between father and daughter, between son and mother. This is my interpretation and that how we celebrate V Day.
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Anil Khan Feb 15, 2016 08:00pm
Hilarious!!!
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Hamid Bashir Feb 15, 2016 08:43pm
Dear lawmakers, politicians and so called religious scholars, please get out of my bedroom and personal life. Thank you
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khan Feb 15, 2016 09:28pm
I'm glade all this is happening in karachi.
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Agha Ata Feb 15, 2016 09:28pm
Even a president needs to save his face, sometimes. But I admire our president’s humor and also that he was bold enough to make a U-turn. He never wanted us to go deep into his westernization; it was just a humor to save his face. I am happy that he did it. I also respect him for doing it. No politician has done such a thing before, even when they knew they were wrong. They should learn this lesson from our President. If you are wrong, admit it humorously.
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Azher Feb 15, 2016 09:49pm
What happened to live and let live? why do we feel the need to protest everything that we do not agree or accept? Our right wing religious brigade speaks from both sides of their mouth! Maulana Fabdul is making money hand over fist with his 25 thousand Rs Kurtas! if he had read the principles of Islam he would know something about simplicity! please Maulana Fabdul if you can show us where did our Rasool or his followers wore glimmering, glittering silk laced attire? if you are too busy fleecing people and accumulating wealth then please let the street hawker sell some flowers on this one day if I am correct you sell 24x7x365!
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Iqbal Hadi Zaidi Feb 15, 2016 10:42pm
I bluntly admit that I do not celebrate VD but I do commemorate my wedding anniversary in a manner that none has done so in human history. Google Unprecedented Wedding Anniversary and see my video. On 29th June 2016 I will be staying with my wife Shireen on Room 306, Crowne Plaza (former Holiday Inn), Kuwait which will be my 31st stay in the same room same hotel on the same date. My matrimonial email: samepersonssamedatesameroomsamehotel@hotmail.com
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ch. Feb 16, 2016 12:15am
truly democracy, everyone hv his/her own rights of living.
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Jinnah Feb 16, 2016 12:15am
Totally agree with Mamnoon for his anti British stand, he is a new generation of Pakistan Anti Valentine league. He has league of his own. His legacy belongs to generation to come.
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Mohammad Feb 16, 2016 12:37am
He wears red tie but hates red roses. God bless his wife.
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M. Niazi Feb 16, 2016 12:40am
@Agha Ata Your so right and that's why this nation didn't get your message and proves many "miracles " about this nation.
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AN Feb 16, 2016 03:02am
Being living abroad, I don't see any hype or celebration over here. I don't understand how come pakistanis even find time to discuss these days or issues. Let people live the way they want to. When will this country learn to live and let live.
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mani Feb 16, 2016 05:29am
@Agha Ata the article in which our president took a u turn was not real. It was a satirical piece. It even said so at the end of the piece. You need to read more carefully bro!
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RPK Feb 16, 2016 06:33am
I will also not advocate for Valentine Day, a day to show love to your loved one. I also hate father's day, mother's day and so on. Show love and respect to your parents and loved one "daily" and that is our culture in this part of the world. I will fully endorse the Cancer Awareness Day , Aids Awareness Day and so on. They have a value of increasing awareness, to jolt the people to know about what disease and its prevention and so on. In short, in this part of the world, every day is Valentine day, where we care the loved ones and get loved and blessed.
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! j Feb 16, 2016 08:18am
Delightfully hilarious and thought-provoking at the same time. Noman Ansari... this is arguably among your best pieces of writing! Kudos
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Zafrani Feb 16, 2016 10:46am
Atleast now we all know that President Mamnoon is not rigid.
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Nazish Feb 16, 2016 11:21am
" The mustache tickles" Man, you are funny. I didn't read the name and I thought the article was written by a woman, until I got to the wife part. (Take that as a compliment) Good to know, there are guys like you out there too!
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Jamal Feb 16, 2016 11:47am
Answer to all the questions is so simple, an act that is un islamic is not good for us, forget culture and forget west.
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Agha Ata Feb 17, 2016 04:27am
@AN Yes. I know he turned it into satirical piece.
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Malakmd Feb 20, 2016 05:46am
For me I think V-Day is just a reminder in our busy life, that there is someone to love and share our feelings, in wider spectrum love has no limit. So what's wrong if once a while you buy a flower for your love one????
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hyat Feb 22, 2016 03:14am
marry and make valentine day every day
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