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An unmarried woman over the age of 30? What an absolute tragedy.

The context

Asma Abbas, the veteran actor, recently uploaded a video to her YouTube channel where she shared some hot takes about marriage, particularly the age at which a woman should be married. According to her, there is an age for marriage and once a woman crosses 30, she has too much confidence and too many opinions.

She said such women are used to spending their lives a certain way, don’t understand things easily, believe they are right, and may disagree — with whom I’m unsure, but I think domineering mothers-in-law and husbands are a safe bet.

“Get married on time and you can work when you’re married. [Otherwise] you get older and older, and have cats and dogs be your children because women desire motherhood. Women have innate motherhood but [without children] adopt pets and call them ‘baby’.”

Women’s expiry date

Let’s start at the beginning. A man does not complete a woman, she is a whole person on her own — married or unmarried. She is an individual and she is her own person, not a commodity with an expiry date of 30 years.

The idea that a woman over 30 is too “opinionated” and “confident” goes to show that people like Abbas want a subservient blob of clay that they can mould according to their preference. A sanskari bahu who doesn’t just behave how her in-laws want, but thinks how they want, and bears the opinions they wish for her to have.

In their younger years, most women often haven’t yet had the chance to experience the world fully or develop strong opinions of their own. This lack of life experience can make it harder for them to gauge if what’s being asked of them is reasonable or not. That makes them ideal candidates to be kept under someone else’s thumb. If a mother-in-law or husband says jump, they often jump. This dynamic keeps them compliant, creating an unchallenging environment for those who prefer obedience over partnership.

That’s not to say all women under 30 are opinion-less and spineless creatures — it’s to say that a certain sense of self might not have taken root yet, a sense of self that helps them turn down unreasonable demands or stand their ground. The younger they are, the less they’ve been able to experience and the fewer lessons they’ve learned along the way.

Simply put, I think Abbas wants to make life easy for herself, or other mothers-in-law with this dictate. A younger bahu means one who is more likely listen, not speak.

A double entendre comes into play — with her statement, Abbas is also trivialising the experiences and opinions of women who are under the age of 30. In a way, it implies that the perspectives of young women don’t matter and don’t hold much weight, as if maturity and insight are reserved exclusively for those above a certain age. Yes, maturity does come with age, however, through her opinion she is casually dismissing the voices of young women, reinforcing the idea that their beliefs are invalid because of their youth — and that is simply untrue.

Let’s not forget, Malala Yousafzai was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize when she was 17. She was not 30. She was not married. However, she was an advocate for peace and women’s right to education. Swedish activist Greta Thunberg is 21 and simultaneously is a global icon for environmental justice. Palestinian journalist Bisan Owda is 27 and is simultaneously a harbinger of truth in the face of extreme injustice and brutality. These women matter. All women, at all ages, matter, and their opinions matter. The world would be a bleak place without the thoughts of powerful, strong-willed women — regardless of their age.

To make matters even worse, no such label of overconfidence or overly-opinionated is attached to men over 30. In the context of Pakistani society, we constantly hear how women over a certain age are too assertive and self-assured, but we never hear the same about men. Abbas’ statement echoes this societal gendered power imbalance — men are supposed to be opinionated and confident, while women only get there with age and maturity. One can argue that in South Asian countries this is the case because men are raised to be decisive and unreserved, attributes that enhance their masculinity, while women are taught to be meek subservient creatures — the “perfect” yin to a confident man’s yang.

It’s unfortunate for Pakistani women that as they age and gain life experience, they gradually learn that confidence and conviction are options for them too. Attempting to marry them off before they realise this, regardless of their age, is an attempt to strip them of their self-assuredness.

Life after marriage ain’t that great either, especially for women in Pakistan. According to the Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, 90 per cent of Pakistani women face domestic violence. Another study shows that the prevalence of emotional and physical violence against women at the hands of their partners was 36.4pc and 18.4pc respectively.

Perhaps getting a woman married when she’s more confident and mature — regardless of what her age may be — would help her spot toxic patterns and leave an abusive situation. A younger woman whose frontal cortex develops in the presence of an abusive partner may be more accepting of her situation. A cross-national study conducted in 48 lower and middle-income countries, showed a continued decline in intimate partner violence (IPV) for every year marriage is delayed up to age 24.

Desiring motherhood

Abbas’ assertion that women have an innate motherliness and start calling their pets their babies also has derogatory implications. Think of women who cannot have children — which by the way isn’t always because of their age, infertility affects women of all ages and is often a deeply personal struggle. Think of women who choose not to have children for their own entirely valid reasons, be it their career, personal fulfilment or simply their preference.

It is quite unnecessary to strip women of their agency when it comes to motherhood. Reducing womanhood to the sole act of being a mother not only negates the experience of those who face infertility but also dismisses the autonomy of women who intentionally carve paths outside of roles traditionally allocated to a woman.

What’s especially ironic is that Abbas’ daughter, Zara Noor Abbas has spoken about the loss of her firstborn, Aurangzeb. The empathy and love I’m sure was extended to her daughter is what Abbas should feel towards other childless women.

And let’s not sideline loving your pet. For many, their pets — regardless of their parenthood status — are a beloved part of their family. My mother, who has two children over the age of 20, calls our pet dog her “baby” all the time. There is absolutely nothing wrong with showering your pets with love!

Uplift

Pakistani society as a whole needs to work towards uplifting women, regardless of their marital status, their age, or how many children (or pets) they have. We must embrace and value women for their contributions beyond traditional roles, and recognise and accept their individuality — whether they centre around family, career, personal growth, or all of the above.

To her credit, Abbas did say women should be “allowed” to study and work after their marriage. This is a step in the right direction for her, and this entire story isn’t a rant against her, because she is simply a mouthpiece for our society’s deeply patriarchal values. Comments like these are something we regularly hear from our elders.

However, it should never be a matter of permission — women should have complete agency over their choices before and after marriage. Women shouldn’t be forced to get married to meet an arbitrary deadline set by people who want them ‘settled’ before they form their own opinions. They also shouldn’t only be reduced to brides and mothers — as if their entire existence is meant for those two roles. Getting married is a great thing — but it should be something both partners choose to do when they are ready, not when society wants them to.