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I tried to forget I was sexually harassed... until I couldn't help but remember

An ordinary day turned into a brush with a sexual predator. Years later, a documentary forced me to confront the past.
Updated 23 Dec, 2019


It was a pleasant sunny winter Saturday. It had almost been six months since my friends and I had advanced from the co-ed primary campus in a school system in Mianwali to the boys-only college campus for middle school. It was the last period and Sir Asim* was introducing us to the new boring practice of writing explanations for Urdu poetry. I looked up at the huge clock hanging over the chalkboard because I was impatiently waiting for the class to be over and the weekend to begin.

I could see from the corner of my eye that my friend was trying to grab my attention, but I kept looking towards Sir Asim, completely ignoring my friend. Nobody wanted to mess with Sir Asim and I knew better. My older brother, in 10th grade at the same school, had told me that Sir Asim had two eyes in the back of his head. We had seen it ourselves when one of my classmates got caught doing something Sir Asim deemed inappropriate while he was writing on the chalkboard. Sir Asim called him to the front of the class, made him bend down, grabbed both of his ears, twisted them like he was revving up a motorbike and finished with a signature loud smack on his back.

That was warning enough for me to not risk getting in trouble during class.

The school bell rang loud, and we quickly shuffled to get our things to leave school. We lived in a safe and gated colony in the middle of nowhere and everyone knew everyone. Usually, at the end of a school day, we would get on our bicycles and do whatever we wanted on the premises of the colony we lived in. We picked wild berries in the undeveloped outskirts of the colony, had bicycle races on the solitary runway in the colony and played cricket or other games in the many sports facilities inside the colony.

I was packing my school bag when my friend came up to tell me we could go to the new computer lab in the school for an hour before we headed home. The new computer teacher Sir Bilal* had allowed us to come to the lab after school to play “Dangerous Dave” on the old 486s. Computer education was a new thing in those days and apart from two introductory classes when the new department started, there wasn’t much reason for sixth graders to be interacting with Sir Bilal or go to the computer lab. But my friends and I had struck up a friendship of sorts with Sir Bilal and our friendship allowed us the opportunity to go to the computer lab and play video games every once in a while.


"He hugged me and then he kissed me on my lips. The shock of the kiss petrified me. I felt confused and violated. I wanted to run out of the computer lab as fast as I could but my legs felt cemented to the ground."


Sir Bilal was a young man in his mid-to-late twenties. He had pale skin and sported a thin mustache. We saw him working at his desk when we showed up at the computer lab. He greeted us and told us we could turn the computers on and play our games while he finished up work. We rushed to our favorite systems and started playing our beloved video game. A little while later Sir Bilal got up from his desk and came towards us. He stopped by my table and squeezed my shoulders as if he was giving me a shoulder massage. We weren’t much bothered by that, Sir Bilal was a friendly guy. He then moved on to my friend sitting next to me and leaned down on him from behind. He rubbed his cheek against my friend’s face as he talked to my friend but I could see from my friend’s face he wasn’t comfortable with that.

But Sir Bilal was oblivious to my friend’s discomfort. As as soon as he finished talking to my friend, he turned and kissed him on the cheek as he came back towards me and my other friend sitting with me.

He stood next to me and spoke to that friend once again. He leaned against me to reach out to my friend’s keyboard. I could feel Sir Bilal's groin pressed against my right arm. He moved as he talked to my friend, rubbing himself against my arm. I slid my chair a little to the left and with that, Sir Bilal stopped grinding himself against my arm and went back to his desk. We kept playing for another ten minutes but none of us could concentrate. Our minds were racing because of what had just happened.


"My friends and I pedaled away to our houses. I could sense there was a silent agreement between us. We would never go back to the computer lab or talk about what happened ever again."


I eventually gave my friends the look; we turned off the computers and got our bags. As we walked towards the door, Sir Bilal was already waiting for us at the door. I said goodbye to him, trying to avoid eye contact. He hugged me and then he kissed me on my lips. The shock of the kiss petrified me. I felt confused and violated. I wanted to run out of the computer lab as fast as I could but my legs felt cemented to the ground.

He stopped kissing me and moved on to do the same to my other friends as I walked out of the computer lab. Sir Bilal closed the door of the computer lab behind us and we silently walked to the bike parking to get our bicycles. We said nothing to each other and pedaled away to our houses. Despite nothing being said, I could sense there was a silent agreement between us. We would never go back to the computer lab or talk about what happened ever again.

Also read: Why it's important for Pakistani men to talk about the MeToo movement

A year later my father was transferred and we moved away from Mianwali. I eventually forgot about Sir Bilal and what happened in the computer lab that day as I adjusted to my new school and new friends. I grew up, and I moved on.

That was until I recently saw Leaving Neverland, a documentary film about Michael Jackson’s multiple allegations of sexual abuse of children.

A documentary about Michael Jackson's legacy of abuse brought me back to my own personal 'Neverland'

The documentary film, directed and produced by Dan Reed, features choreographer Wade Robson and child actor James Safechuck as they chronicle their relationship with Michael Jackson from their early childhood until Michael Jackson’s death and the sexual abuse they said they were subjected to. The title refers to Michael Jackson’s California home and private amusement park named “Neverland Ranch”, where he is said to have abused a majority of his victims.

Also read: Tackling child sexual abuse through awareness, identification and prevention

The film has stirred a lot of reaction from people from all over the world. Anger, shock and mixed emotions have already prompted creators of The Simpsons to pull a Michael Jackson episode and many radio stations in Australia, New Zealand and Canada have completely banned MJ’s music on the airwaves with more petitions of muting MJ’s music pending.

The film examines Michael Jackson’s history of pedophilia and his modus operandi for child abuse through his life. The film claims that Michael Jackson befriended children, abused them sexually and conditioned their families to normalise the inappropriate nature of his relationships with their children. Wade Robson was a 5-year-old dance prodigy from Australia and James Safechuck was an 11 aspiring child actor when Michael befriended them and started sexually abusing them. Both Wade Robson and James Safechuck paint a chilling portrait of Michael Jackson the pedophile child-abuser, as they share different accounts of sexual and psychological abuse they suffered because of him.


"It was important for me to understand that Sir Bilal befriended us, somewhat manipulated us and groomed us without us even realising it because of his otherwise unassuming personality."


HBO released the docu-series as two-two hour-long episodes on the 3rd and 4th of March 2019. I ended up watching it over the course of two nights and it brought back vivid memories of my limited yet traumatic personal experiences with sexual abuse by a seemingly friendly adult.

The film pushed me into deep introspection and analysis for the next few days and that eventually pushed me to write something about my experience. As a documentary filmmaker myself, I consider the exploration of trauma one of the primary functions of the genre and Dan Reed doesn’t shy away from putting forth the grim and graphic details of MJ’s heinous crimes. The film uses a variety of archival footage along with interviews with Wade, James and the members of their families to articulate the appalling narrative of abuse by the now disgraced “King of Pop”.

The stories told by Wade and James in the film are not only insights into how MJ groomed his victims but also illustrate how the power of MJ’s celebrity groomed the entire world into ignoring his peculiar and questionable obsession with children. The stature of Michael Jackson’s celebrity and the conniving exploitation of the people he abused also saved him from being held accountable for his crimes in front of the law. MJ used the same children he sexually abused to defend him in the courts after they grew older that sent shivers down my spine.

Source: Aahung.
Source: Aahung.

The film also examines the aftermath of MJ’s abuse in the Robson and Safechuck families.The docu-series truly shines as a documentary film that earnestly captures the après-coups of sexual abuse as the two victims and their families lay bare deep scars of the trauma they had suffered because of MJ’s criminal abuse and manipulation tactics.

In my own experience, it was important for me to understand that Sir Bilal befriended us, somewhat manipulated us and groomed us without us even realising it because of his otherwise unassuming personality.

A seemingly meek and approachable man who commanded limited authority and enjoyed popularity reeled us in to his “Neverland”. I felt shame that day but did not know for what reason. I had successfully suppressed the details of the incident by the next day. Speaking about it didn’t look like an option. My other friends seemed to have to done the same but despite that, our outlook had completely changed. We were more cautious, sceptical and wary. We stopped hanging out in the lawns in front of the computer lab as we used to. The fact that I moved away from the town was a blessing in disguise. I rarely ever thought about Sir Bilal after that.

I finally had to confront why I stayed silent even though it wasn't my fault

At a chance reunion with some of these friends in Mianwali about five years ago, we ended up going down memory lane. We reminisced jovially about the strict Sir Asim and the goofy Sir Nasir, we talked about Mrs Hamid who adored us all and Ma’am Naeema who got stuck in a chair once.

But the mood changed when the conversation went to Sir Bilal. I sensed my other friend’s enthusiasm disappear. We made eye-contact and avoided each other’s gaze almost as immediately. We both still remembered, reluctantly and we were both still unwilling to talk about it. That inexplicable sense of shame was back.

This persistent sense of shame (which we felt even though we had done nothing wrong) and our subsequent silence was something I made sense of when I heard James and Wade talk about their experiences.

Internalising your feelings is a defence mechanism because you as a victim feel so stupid, so naive for walking into the trap. You would rather not admit to the lapse of your judgment and if no one else knows about it... if you don't talk about it, it’s as if nothing has happened to you, because you can suppress your own thoughts and memories but not anyone else’s. It becomes an embarrassing detail that you would rather not have in your life story.


"If I am asked to prove my encounter, I might be able to present no proof other than the account of what I experienced. I might not be able to convince any other witnesses to come out."


After the release of Leaving Neverland, many people have shown their support for the victims and lauded their bravery. But many people have also come out to support Michael Jackson. MJ’s estate has discredited the accounts of the victims, saying they have no evidence to support their claims. The global popularity and recognition of Michael Jackson’s work has also opened a new discussion about the value of artistic work produced by abusers like Michael Jackson. I have heard people say they refuse to watch the film because they love Michael Jackson’s music too much and I have also heard people demand for banning his work completely.

I am afraid I don’t agree with either.

For those who are advocating for completely banning and muting MJ’s music, I would ask them to consider this. The evidence presented in this docuseries through the accounts of MJ’s victims provides a bleak context to MJ’s work and that context renders his music’s appeal useless anyway. I admired films produced by the Weinstein company and enjoyed comedy by Louis C. K but in the light of what we know now, it’s hard to watch any film produced by the Weinstein company or an episode of “Louie” without ignoring the associated context with these artistic properties now.

On the other hand, thinking about the financial gains to MJ’s estate alone, this ban seems justified. But Michael Jackson’s story isn’t just about a sick individual. It is also about the price of unchecked celebrity and fandom. His pop icon stature wouldn’t have been possible without the support of his fans. Banning his music is outright evading our personal responsibility as consumers, for having all this peculiar behaviour go unchecked for so long.

Source: Sahil
Source: Sahil

The fact that he was a sick individual would still not change the fact that he was a good musician too. His music means a lot, to a lot of people, for a lot of different reasons. We were responsible to scrutinise and call him out when it mattered but we didn’t. We will never be able to escape his music, just as his music would not be able to escape his sick legacy.

Completely muting Michael Jackson’s music also risks turning it into some prized collector’s item, a forbidden fruit of sorts and consequently giving it more value. The victims’ truth will change the way people listen to and receive Michael Jackson’s music now. It will always serve as a reminder for us all to be wary of the unchecked power of celebrity and to always protect our children. The present context will redefine the value of MJ’s work better than muting it.

And to those who refuse to hear out the victims or refute their claims all together, I ask them to consider my story.

Refusing to listen to abuse victims promotes a culture of abuse. Refusing to believe victims empower their abusers.

When Sir Bilal acted on his sick desire, I was incapable of reacting. At that age, I did not possess the words or the language to express what I had gone through. Neither did I have the guts to grapple with what I thought was my 'stupidity' that had allowed Sir Bilal to manipulate me in such a way. And this is a reaction that many abuse victims, no matter their age, grapple with. Speaking up against your abuser is not as easy as one may think.

We lack the culture and the avenues where victims can come forward and speak freely and openly about their pain. We lack the sense of empathy towards sex abuse victims and instead fixate on evidence, guilt and innocence when a victim comes forward and that discourages other victims from coming forward.


"Our responsibility is to give victims of abuse the confidence and the environment to speak up. It is imperative we do this, to protect ourselves and those around us."


This cycle benefits no one but the perpetrators of sexual abuse. If I am asked to prove my encounter, I might be able to present no proof other than the account of what I experienced. I might not be able to convince any other witnesses to come out.

In most cases victims might have no witnesses or evidence to present to prove that their abuse actually happened. As a society, this is not our burden. Innocence and guilt is meant to be decided at the altars of justice, upon careful scrutiny of all available information and jurisprudence.

Our responsibility as a society is to only empower victims. Give them the confidence and the environment to speak up. It is imperative we do this, to protect ourselves and those around us.

I may have left my Neverland but dismissing the testimonies of abuse victims and especially child abuse victims will prevent many others from escaping theirs.



Identifying details have been changed to protect the author's privacy.

Comments

Mike May 14, 2019 12:24pm
Sad
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Nadim May 14, 2019 01:04pm
I grew up during late 80s and 90s in Pakistan. In my small town the sexual abuse was common. Any boy with slightly fair skin was a target. The offenders took pride in their actions. Society looked down on victims. I am sure its same across the subcontinent. We all know stories from Afghanistan. Please protect your children. Do not trust any, I literally mean anyone.
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Gumnaam bachcha May 14, 2019 01:19pm
Having been abused at the age of around 9-10 by someone just about 3-5 years old than me, in rural KP; Its a scar you can't get rid of. With no avenue to speak about and no words to describe it at that age, I'd appeal to all parents not to let your children around even slightly older neighbours or relatives. This scar stays with you for life.
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Zoya Anwar May 14, 2019 04:54pm
I m also a victim of child abuse and I never get the courage to speak about this, but today your article empowered me. I was hardly 8 years old when I was sexually abused by a shopkeeper. I never gathered the courage to tell anyone even my mother, because I couldn't feel words could do justice to me feeling and emotions. At the tender age of 8, I wasn't able to comprehend why I felt shy to recall that event. I successfully suppressed that memory in my mind, but when I got into a relationship that event started to haunt me. It was early days of my marriage when I told my husband about what I went through and why I felt comfortable with him. My husband supported me and helped me to come out from this trauma. Now today I felt courage to speak about it. We victims are same in many ways. We feel shy and uncomfortable to share and speak about that event even though it was our fault. I
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Salim khan May 14, 2019 05:30pm
Sexually abusing kids was quite common in late 70s and 80s. Most of my friends went through the pain of being abused by different people. It used to be a pride for the abusers and they would inform others about it. People would listen to them but won't do anything. Recently I visited the place where I grew up after 20 years. I met some of those who were abused and found them to be living normal life having kids, I was surprised though. I hope that actually they are living peacefully and that there lives have not much affacted by the trauma they had when they were kids.
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S May 14, 2019 06:27pm
I, too was molested by my cousin for many years. He came into our house to stay and when my mother won't be there, he would molest me where he's not supposed to touch. He also tried to rape me but that didn't work. He was a paedophile and it's known now that he is but nobody takes him to a psychiatric hospital. He has two wives and many children. I feel sorry for his mum because it is not her fault. He needs treatment.
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@Humanity May 14, 2019 06:42pm
There are cases where they become addict to homosexuality after being sexually harassed in their childhood. Then they try to defend themselves by giving biological reasons.
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hanifsmile May 14, 2019 06:55pm
To tell you the truth, I haven't met anyone who was not sexually abused in Pakistan, as a child.
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Sal May 14, 2019 07:49pm
See how common it is - there are 4 posts on your article within the last 7 hours. I am sure many have read the article, recalled this childhood trauma and moved past these horrific nightmares - or some are even more traumatized recalling the events. Recalling the events its much too common - I was in my teens when I was rubbed against going to school in the morning in a crowded bus, almost every morning - I could feel their erections and struggled to switch places pushing and shoving other men away from these monsters. My hand was taken and put on my school bus drivers hardon while he was dropping me home in the school van. A man followed me getting out of the public bus just because he held my hand under his shalwar as he pretended to read the news paper. It happens a lot - and its just not a 90s thing, I am sure it still happens today. TALK to your kids, dont give them the phone and be on your phone. Dont let them be scared or ashamed of talking to you or to share these traumas.
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AW May 14, 2019 09:26pm
Even in 1960s, the sexual abuse of children by authority figures was common. Teachers were the main culprits who took advantage of their position. Just like the author, I was also hugged and kissed on the lips by a teacher in 7th grade - a dreadful and horrible experience which I never shared with anyone. The sick predators in Pakistani society thrive because the victims are shamed and have no support.
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Issak May 15, 2019 12:19am
Those who sexually abuse others claim it was also done to them when they were young so feel like doing the same to others....it's a taboo subject to talk about it openly but unless people come out and confess their sins this culture will still continue...
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tj May 15, 2019 12:03pm
All are grey to black in this society.
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Ali Vazir BBTT May 15, 2019 01:03pm
We need to work on all the fronts to counter this horrendous sickness. First and foremost to train and give children the confidence to scream out against all offenders, share with parents, keep distance from others. Then to propagate workshops like the one by Amir Khan to train the children that would work also to deter the future offenders.
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Faisal May 15, 2019 02:32pm
I remember at least 4 similar situations that I was in in my teens in Karachi. Our society has a big problem, pedophilia is rampant and we must talk about it.
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Noman Ansari May 20, 2019 11:18pm
Powerful stuff.
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Pro Democracy May 21, 2019 05:41pm
@Sal such acts are quite common in Karachi buses.
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