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Updated 29 Nov, 2016

A couple of days ago, my sister laughingly turned her phone around to show me a post on Facebook.

A single friend of ours had been 'tagged' in a post about a matrimonial meet-up event that is taking place at the Islamabad Club on December 10th.

“DONT HAVE TIME TO FIND YOUR PARTNER?" it read, in capital letters of course. “Limited seats available at the 'Him & Her Matrimonial Match-making Event' in Islamabad. Your search for soulmate ends here!!! Get matched today! Restricted to educated and business class only," followed by timings and the venue.

We laughed it off. “What if one is 'economy class?'" I quipped. "Is this an airplane ticket?” Later that night, I saw the post making the rounds on several Facebook profiles, mostly the profiles of my single male and female friends. Family members, concerned uncles, aunts, third cousins and random colleagues began 'liking' the post, and soon this devolved into something less than humourous. Married friends began tagging single people on the post as if there was no tomorrow, saying 'maybe you'll have better luck finding a partner here!' and I thought, WHY? Were people singling out unmarried friends because the poster was tacky or because they thought it's unfortunate and rather sad to be single in your late 20s and 30s?

Things snowballed and my single friends continued to be tagged in this post. The next morning, my phone was filled with messages from single friends asking “What is wrong with people, why can't they mind their own business?!”

The answer to this question brings me to my point: no matter which social class you belong to, after a certain age being single is one of the more controversial ways you can choose to live your life in Pakistan today. And to add insult to injury, with our twisted notions of privacy and what's 'right' and 'wrong' everyone seems to think commenting on your marital status is their birthright.

I mean, living in a society with such grand double standards as ours in Pakistan, dating is almost blasphemous, but being dolled up and parading around for a stranger's mother, sister and grandmother with a tea trolley that looks like a national day float adorned with snacks from the local bakery is the norm. Weird, right?

I returned to the post and thought to myself, while this event may potentially be a good opportunity for those who don't have many avenues to meet potential partners, it could also be yet another ego-shattering experience for those living under constant scrutiny and pressure about marriage.

After all, the horror stories of the “rishta drills” that some of my friends have been through were fresh in my mind. Not again, I thought to myself, not in front of so many people. Being rejected primarily on the basis of your physical appearance seems to be the norm during the rishta hunt; when it comes to women no one ever really looks at their academic or professional qualifications. Is this really something we can brush off as funny?

While the issue of finding the suitable match might be 'hilarious' in the upper-class, it becomes something darker in other socio-economic classes of society.

An older woman, a mother of three unmarried daughters, once said to me: “I really want to know what people want in a 'bride'. In today’s day and age there is a solution for absolutely anything. If she is dark, she can get skin lightening injections. If she is short she can wear heels, if the guy wants light eyes and blonde hair, there are contact lenses and hair dye, the list of solutions goes on."

Similarly another friend looking for a rishta for her brother in law made it clear her (and his) choice pick would not be anyone "unconventional” and we jokingly said, “Oh yes, he wants the clutch-bag-holding-Instagram Barbie, got it”.

I turned to Facebook that night and wrote a status about how tagging a bunch of single people under this post was offensive.

I asked my married friends to mind their own business and expressed support for my single friends, encouraging them to live life they way they want to. I went on bragging about my own life, which, even though I'm single, happens to be amazing! I have great parents, a flourishing career, caring friends, an exciting social life, and above all else, the freedom to have an independent schedule. I'm not saying that I don't want to settle down, but am just saying that the transition from singledom to marriage will happen at its own time, so please just let people be.

But this privilege and luxury to speak our minds is probably enjoyed by very small segment of the society, where one is entitled to making my their own choices and being supported by family. Mine is not the freedom the majority of girls in Pakistan have.

Which is why being sensitive about the 'marriage question' is more important than ever.

While the issue of finding the suitable match might be 'hilarious' in the upper-class, it becomes something darker in other socio-economic classes of society. As a journalist I routinely come across stories of forced marriages, of minors as young as five-years-old married off without consent, or cases of acid attacks if a proposal is refused, or of girls committing suicide at a high rate — which highlight the harsh consequences society burdens women with when they try to make their own choices and live their own independent lives.

At a recent event held in Islamabad, women community leaders from 45 districts of Pakistan came together and urged women and girls to stand up for their rights and become a change agent in their families. The deputy head of DFID Judith Herbertson, who was present at the event, said that in 2016’s Pakistan, people are born unequal if they are poor, belong to minority group or are person with a disability, but the biggest disadvantage is to be born a woman.

Sharing some basic statistics, she said 55 percent of girls in Pakistan are not allowed to go to school, 35 percent are married before their 16th birthday, 40 percent experience violence — and so on. The speakers at the event said physical violence has considerably decreased in the society but the mental violence still exists, which is a biggest hurdle in the way of women empowerment.

Harassing women to get married just because society deems they 'ought to' is another form of mental violence and moral policing.

Women make approximately 51 percent of the population in Pakistan, our mental well being is key, and we need encouragement to become agents of change through their economic and social contributions.

Battling social pressure is a constant struggle and a serious concern for the majority of girls living in Pakistan. I see no humour in it.

So if you have a single friend — don't constantly ask them when they'll be ready to 'settle down.' Ask them about work, or what books they've read, or anything else, really. There's more to life than getting hitched.

Comments

Sajjad Nov 29, 2016 09:42am
Finally! - somebody talks about it.
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Ahmad Nov 29, 2016 09:48am
Would somebody please stop playing old days tactics of cursing boys only for rejecting girls based on their appearance? Please look around for real facts.
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AKs Nov 29, 2016 09:54am
Get married and have kids (lots of them) as soon as you can. That's our culture, and the cause of our backwardness.
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Alexey Nov 29, 2016 10:05am
I completely agree! I also think that our media (dramas) has a big role to play in all this. Because their storylines mostly involve a certain class but the audience is of all sorts and that confuses people and encourages such stereotypes.
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Shahaam Nov 29, 2016 10:12am
story of my life. I am sick of answering the same question time and again. SO WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? For a record I am a male in 30s. Enjoyed the article though.
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Ali Shahid Nov 29, 2016 10:13am
Seriously, this birthright to poke into ones marital status mentality is a huge problem. "I mean, living in a society with such grand double standards as ours in Pakistan, dating is almost blasphemous, but being dolled up and parading around for a stranger's mother, sister and grandmother with a tea trolley that looks like a national day float adorned with snacks from the local bakery is the norm. Weird, right?" I know and accept the issue is serious but I cant stop laughing at the above paragraph just because its so well put!!
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deendayal Nov 29, 2016 10:34am
The worse off is divorcees who do not have access to their children,as they are deprived of the love,affection,and access of the child by the custodial parent. Something needs to be done.
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hs Nov 29, 2016 10:34am
@Ahmad it is not being said about boys that they reject girls. these are actually his mother , sisters or may be aunties.
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m.s goury Nov 29, 2016 10:45am
nicely written ...it's same in every society less or more
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mehwish Nov 29, 2016 10:47am
Beautifully written that SINGLEHOOD is not a offense, rather its a blessing in disguise. I am a PROUD SINGLE and I love myself. I travel, work, eat, read, workout and enjoy everything I do. I am surrounded with understanding Parents, siblings, friends and colleagues who never believe that i am deprived from some BLESSING. I love to spend time with positive people and distance myself CONCERNED PEOPLE
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Umair Nov 29, 2016 11:02am
Thanks God that at last these articles have started to become a little gender neutral at least. Thanks for keeping it to single friends not single female friends.
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sj Nov 29, 2016 11:02am
@Shahaam So when are you getting married?
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kerala Nov 29, 2016 11:06am
55 percent of girls in Pakistan are not allowed to go to school-this itself speak for the situation . When women get educated surely they will question the current norms which may be blasphemous for the community. So a change is hardly seen in the near future .
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Yasir Nov 29, 2016 11:07am
That is so spot on. Why can't these married folks just accept that some people enjoy being single more than other. I get it, it's a good topic to get a laugh but seriously some people take it too far and they just keep bugging with same questions every time you meet.
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Vijay,Salem Nov 29, 2016 11:10am
In India it is the same scenario as well.Un married people are always looked at with suspicion and every word they say is being analyzed with magnifying glass.To day I am a married man with children but can't forget bad old days of my bachelor life.
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SHK Nov 29, 2016 12:03pm
AAh.. Relief..Thanks..Every aunt when visiting us occasionally must have to ask for my marriage plan, even on this recent EID, i took it more lightly and asked the visiting family to raise the hands and pray to God that i may like some girl and start plan for marriage because they think the age is slipping away while i am 30. So we prayed. LOL.. Well! I think marriage is an essential part of a life, but should not tease the singles in the way people do often but talk wisely.
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fara Nov 29, 2016 12:07pm
this is Pakistan.. our marriage is other people's problem ! you see :p once you get married they will start asking about having kids. once you will have kids, people will become concerned about their education, schooling etc & finally their marriage .. this is vicious cycle :D
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Bitter Truth Nov 29, 2016 12:22pm
@Shahaam So, when are you getting married ? :-)
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Maria Nov 29, 2016 12:43pm
Just want to say Thank You for addressing this serious issue which makes lives of single people unnecessarily difficult. As much as one tends to ignore but time and again people remind it as if you are not normal.
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ZM Nov 29, 2016 12:59pm
Dude. Some of us do want to get married and dont have the avenues or the time to start relationships in a way which you might consider 'modern'. To each their own. It is a good effort. Dont get your knickers in a twist over everything.
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NOReen Nov 29, 2016 01:09pm
Thank you so much for writing this.
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single and fabulous Nov 29, 2016 01:22pm
Well most of the married people would love to live their single life again. They would love to be independent again. Am I right or am I right.
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BAXAR Nov 29, 2016 01:26pm
So you don't understand what's wrong in our society regarding these matters. Try to express the same thoughts in Urdu, for those not fully acquainted with your language, you'll start to understand. Here you preaching to the converted.
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a Nov 29, 2016 03:44pm
@ZM Ha ha ha Well said
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Farhan Nov 29, 2016 04:01pm
It's the same everywhere - Pakistan is no exception. Only difference being that in a western or more liberal society, friends would match-make for a more casual relationship for their uncommitted friends, whereas here it's straight to marriage for cultural and social reasons.
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Habiba Nov 29, 2016 04:59pm
Excellent article! I applaud you. When I got married at 32 , my parents did not know whom to thank. After bugging the living ---- out me, I did not give in, but continued to work and figure out who I was. The last thing I needed was to get tagged with a complete stranger who was going to tell me how to live my life..absolutely not. I am the proud mother of two beautiful girls; one of whom is an engineer, the other is still in college, and my husband is my soul mate, whom I met at work!! Girls, follow your dreams if you have the choice to do so. We cannot have an educated workforce if 50% of the population is illiterate. Your children need educated parents!! Marriage will always be lurking in the shadows.
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Abraham Haque Nov 29, 2016 06:46pm
@AKs thank you
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Priya Nov 29, 2016 07:26pm
@kerala Education does not change a lot of things when you are in your twenties every second question popping upto you will be about marriage even if you are doing PhD. I am a malyalee and experiencing this trauma it seems nothing changes with education and in this case my parents seem to be most stressed
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disposable janan Nov 29, 2016 08:18pm
@AKs Wrong.... We are backward because of our backward mentality
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zee.a Nov 29, 2016 08:35pm
Totally agreed and this is one of the many reasons behind our slow progress and development as a nation. People are more concerned about getting married and having children than to get good education and make their part in social service. Hope that the change in mindset in our society will come soon to change the existing scenario.
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Ismail Nov 29, 2016 08:36pm
@AKs. Ironically, this culture is promoted largely by the very same gender which apparently seems the victim. There you go.
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One who knows Nov 29, 2016 09:06pm
@Shahaam So when are you getting married?
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Dearpakistanis Nov 29, 2016 09:11pm
I appreciate the article but why do we always turn everything into a major fault of the Pakistani nation? This happens everywhere and to anyone of any nationality. One of my sister's friends, who is a Caucasian, actually looked at our society in such a longing way because we also have strong systems of supporting each other and our society allows us to arrange marriages. This is because people in the West actually have to go out and try to arrange a partner for themselves and there is an even higher chance of this ending either in heartbreak or nothing at all if, for example, the person has a disability. So please do not dis the whole Pakistani society every time one gets all hysterical about a common issue. We have problems, but saying that us Pakistanis have double standards implies that we are some sort of a criminal people.
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ShaBIna Nov 29, 2016 09:42pm
This is a good read! Well said.... we definately need voice and change for women harmed by our society.
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Maryam sameer Nov 29, 2016 09:45pm
Totally agree with this. Specially that part where you have mentioned that why cant we set education as a standard for selecting a girl. Why cant we just shift our mindset where we only consider a girls physical appearance for her to be a perfect match for your charming and handsome son
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Sadia Nov 29, 2016 10:11pm
Spot on! I can't even understand why these marriage folks love to smirking upon others, if they are settled then what's the issue making them so restless. They have to admit that some people can live happy while being single. It's fun to have less responsibilities and its better for these conventional folks to fulfill their duties first at their home. if a man/woman is in late 20s or 30s, he/she is not a kid anymore and can take care of him/herself easily.
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Hira Nov 29, 2016 10:32pm
@single and fabulous you are soo right... i'd like to travel more!
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CK KHan Nov 29, 2016 10:49pm
Too long article. Thanks
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SUNNY Nov 29, 2016 11:28pm
Good Job Maha Mussadaq( Journalist)!!-Remain single and move to Las Vegas-This is not a proposal :))
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ARTISt Nov 30, 2016 12:13am
@hs very true
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MK Nov 30, 2016 12:59am
I totally agree with this article. From being an educated career oriented woman to going to depressions for being rejected for looks, I totally understand this. I wish we lived in a Pakistan where women were given equal rights and equal opportunities.
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MK Nov 30, 2016 01:00am
@Alexey totally agree, there could be more of roles that empower women
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MK Nov 30, 2016 01:02am
@hs Agreed they want the perfect girl for their aint so perfect son
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Neel Nov 30, 2016 01:14am
Agreed with above all but one point. Now a days, the mother of three unmarried boys asks what people want in 'groom'...
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ZAIB Syed Nov 30, 2016 02:44am
Very apt and we'll written. We do live in a highly backward patriarchal society full of taboos. We really need such single women to voice their opinions more openly and frequently. Keep it up!
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Masood Hussain Nov 30, 2016 04:18am
A very tricky subject,not to be laughed at,so many impediments,physical,social,economic and most important the class.
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Shahaam Nov 30, 2016 04:45am
@sj Never!!!
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Shahaam Nov 30, 2016 04:45am
@One who knows NEVER!!!
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Shahaam Nov 30, 2016 04:46am
@Bitter Truth NEVER!!!!
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Zia ullah khan Nov 30, 2016 05:49am
Great article. I also feel no1 should get married because he is " getting late ", getting " old ", or because ammi & friends are constantly asking. Bachelor life has its own beauty. Some people take the decision of getting married after a nasty break-up. Dont do it. Recover and then once fully recovered, think again of marriage with a cool mind
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MIT Nov 30, 2016 07:08am
Happens with boys as well. Sometimes boys are also forced to get married within family. And the point over here is not about looks. Its about mental compatibility. In between it has become the norm of our society to visit people homes and reject girls on the basis of not meeting ones criteria. Please change this norm so the confidence of the girl stays intact. She is not a show piece!!!
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Manzer Nov 30, 2016 07:26am
Young people should appreciate that the elders are doing all they can to find them a suitable match. Once you cross a certain age it becomes increasingly difficult to get married, young people don't realize this, and by the time they wakeup it is too late. Arranged marriage is a blessing in disguise, it protects us from all the hookups and breakups which are part of the dating game.
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Nightowl Nov 30, 2016 08:34am
Well said! May your tribe (& message) increase.
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Nightowl Nov 30, 2016 08:35am
@Shahaam Good luck to you my friend.
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expert Nov 30, 2016 09:05am
Ms. writer! Come'on, U took that advertisement as real? Did you visited that place yourself to investigate what was going on before writing an article for Dawn Newspaper (a national level paper)? Its a camouflage for dating-matchmaking not for real marriages. It's more fake than sticker ads "Car for Sale and the mobile # for interested guys/girls". And please stop cursing the nation for things that they are not doing as a whole. If you are advocate of "staying single", then you should also have to work on the moral values as well. Because naturally it's difficult to be modest when U R married than single, of course extremes are there on both ends.
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S K Malik Nov 30, 2016 10:00am
So very well written. I'm single and i love it. I love my freedom and I dont think I would like to give it up...
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Maria Nov 30, 2016 10:06am
I just want to say very well written ! I have been exposed to the mentality where being single is thought of as a crime or a very disgusting act something which should definitely be condemned! For some reason the ultimate aim of a girl's life in our society is to get married... ( we even become doctors only to find good rishtas) Since this is programmed into our minds so if a girl is not married and she is single and past the typical shadi age its thought of as if her life has been ruined and this leads to either falling into a compromised marriage or extreme depression (both can be suicidal) . We need to educate our girls for the sake of education so they can set their goals themselves.
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Pakistan Zindabad Nov 30, 2016 10:27am
Actually the problem in future created by these "Singles" in future is the main reason for the seniors to eliminate them being single.
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Pakistan Zindabad Nov 30, 2016 10:29am
@Ahmad I agree with you and have experienced that girl are in equal number to reject boys. They want age equal to them and Salary more then their old age father.
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Pakistan Zindabad Nov 30, 2016 10:30am
@disposable janan Then i'll pray for your mentality and education.
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Pakistan Zindabad Nov 30, 2016 10:31am
@Dearpakistanis You steal the show. ABSOLUTELY CORRECT.
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Vivek Nov 30, 2016 11:59am
I love single
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Fazeel Mehboob Nov 30, 2016 12:40pm
Somehow m agree with that and somehow I have concern. Anyway its a good article and based on reality mostly. God bless you highlight the issue.
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Sadaf S. Nov 30, 2016 12:55pm
@ZM The author mentioned that she does want to get married. She did not even mention "modern" relationships. Perhaps a re-read? :)
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Stylo rocks Nov 30, 2016 02:37pm
Its an article of very low intellect....Being married and unmarried has its own merits and demerits... .If we talk about criticism of society then there is not any single issue which does not bring criticism....Like any criticism, this article is also a criticism. It would be much better if we could stop using the negative sentences which point others and start using sentences with more positive intent. In my opinion, this article could be more focused on "Liberty to Live" mentioning the problems and hurdles which we create for others and what should be done to avoid such situations. Moreover, if someone (including your father, your mother, your brother, sister and relatives and then colleagues and friends) cares for you and worried about your wedding then would you say to your father: "What is wrong with you, why can't you mind your own business?!" I hope not. Similar caring attitude from society is not always criticism and taunt.... Please be more positive!!!!
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Searcher Nov 30, 2016 09:57pm
Blond hair, white skin, blue eyes are these our cultural demand or imperialism.....! even the language in which we express our cultural complexes ... Need first to get liberty than fix culture if it's traces still baqi hn
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Luqman Nov 30, 2016 11:09pm
@mehwish nice
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SUM Dec 01, 2016 12:08am
@fara !you are right,it happens...
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Billy Dec 01, 2016 05:25am
All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies (All the single ladies) All the single ladies Now put your hands up...!!
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Billy Dec 01, 2016 05:31am
All the single ladies..(All the single ladies) All the single ladies...(All the single ladies) Now put your hands up...!! 'Cause if you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it..If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it....Don't be mad once you see that he want it...If you liked it, then you should have put a ring on it... Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh....!!! :))
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Shahaam Dec 01, 2016 06:55am
@Nightowl Thanks heaps!!!
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Urooj Dec 01, 2016 07:22pm
@Dearpakistanis How does our marriage market not discriminate against people with disabilities or chronic conditions?! My aunt, who had epilepsy, had trouble finding a partner. I myself have been discouraged to disclose my autoimmune problems to prospective mates. Let's not pretend our situation here is all that rosy. Not everything is so black and white.
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Mehwish Dec 01, 2016 07:50pm
Seriously, I must say this is most consoling article for me. Every time in any family gathering or occasion this is like i am going on battle field where I have battle with my relatives (LOL). I wish I would post this article specially last lines on the walls of my relatives' houses :D
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Safeer Khan Dec 01, 2016 07:59pm
Thanks for raising this important issue. In Pakistan, personal issues are everybody's business, while social issues are not discussed at all. Two Points here: Settle Down? What is this concept? Why this question not popped to boys? What does settle down means? Why its definition should be any different for boys and girls? 2: Is there a marriage of 5 years old with consent? I think you made this remark not consciously thinking about it. Anyhow, let me clarify, there is no informed consent till a person reaches the age of 18 years.
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reality Dec 04, 2016 10:42am
@Stylo rocks very well articulated
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ateeq Dec 05, 2016 10:24am
yeah agree , good article , i am graduate now i observed in my life most of men make mistakes of many types in young age him self and are dishonest when they go in relationship.. they tourched their wifes in order to hide their mistakes and supressed them . the point is that good and bad are not equal at all .
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Bupi Dec 06, 2016 08:48am
Its all the way one wants to live so none has any business to criticize .
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