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How should Pakistanis address women at the workplace?

How should Pakistanis address women at the workplace?

Call a colleague Apa and everyone goes, “Which cave in the mountains did you emerge from, you unsophisticated bumpkin?”
25 Oct, 2016

My first encounter with the practice of using first names irrespective of age occurred at a meet-and-greet at a university in the UK. Fresh off the boat from Pakistan and 22 years old, I introduced myself to the 50-something lecturer who cheerily responded, “Call me David!”

Very much taken aback, I blurted, “I can’t do that. You’re my teacher!”

Now it was his turn to be surprised. From his perspective I was a university student, thereby an adult, which put us on an equal social footing of sorts. From my perspective, I was desi and we don’t do such things. Thus, while the rest of my class called him by his first name, I resolutely stuck to “Mr Harcourt.”

Upon returning to Pakistan, I faced the same conundrum. I began working at a place where most of the team was my age, and the CEO was in his mid-30s — about 10 years older than us. We called him Aneek Sahib. Then I met his wife who was also the chief executive in the company. Everyone called her by her first name. Now here was the problem: I couldn’t call her Zehra Begum because, what are we, living in the 15th century? Zehra Sahiba sounded odd — too many syllables, perhaps? I couldn’t call her Ms Mehdi because that was so formal and distancing. Wouldn’t have minded calling her Zehra Apa, but got the feeling that would have come across a bit dorky (note: this was before Zubeida Tariq had burst onto the scene as the all-powerful Zubeida Apa).

It was a most confounding dilemma. I dealt with it by avoiding Zehra as much as possible.

I find it very strange that although we Pakistanis have done so much — fused sitars with guitars, made Oscar-winning films, armed ourselves with nuclear weapons — we haven’t managed to figure out a culturally appropriate workplace term for addressing women.

I then moved to a place where the employees were many, and of different ages. Equality was greatly encouraged, so no Sahibs, Bibis, or Ghulams — everyone was a peer. There I found myself saying, “Junaid, may I have the storyboard by midday?” and cringing with the greatest embarrassment as I pictured Junaid’s wispy, white hair on the other end of the phone call. Unable to carry on like this I decided the rules could sod off and began affixing Sahib to the name of any person whom I would never address with such discourtesy in a social setting.

While this solved the issue of how to address men, the problem of how to correctly address women remained. My creative director at the same place was around eight years older than me. If I ever called my sister — three years my senior — by name, my mother would have smacked the manners right back into my face. But how does one say, “Rabia Baji, the presentation is ready,” in the midst of a meeting with pretentious corporate types without coming across as a bit weird?

Of course some office staff get around all of this by addressing senior female colleagues as ‘Madam’, ‘Ma’am’, and ‘Sir’. But if anything, that sounds even more archaic. And unless my colleague was Madam Noor Jehan, it would sound simply absurd coming from me.

As time passed and I approached my mid-30s, it became easier. Now my colleagues were either my age or younger, and the older ones weren’t that much older. Then I moved to another organisation where the CEO was a lady and was the same age as my parents. Her straightforward instructions were to call her by her first name.

Rats. Back to square one.

I can call a man Janab, Sahib, or even Bhai and it wouldn’t seem odd, but call a senior female colleague Apa and everyone goes all, “Which cave in the mountains did you emerge from, you unsophisticated bumpkin?”

I find it very strange that although we Pakistanis have done so much — fused sitars with guitars, made Oscar-winning films, armed ourselves with nuclear weapons — we haven’t managed to figure out a culturally appropriate workplace term for addressing women.

I can call a man Janab, Sahib, or even Bhai and it wouldn’t seem odd, but call a senior female colleague Apa and everyone goes all, “Which cave in the mountains did you emerge from, you unsophisticated bumpkin?”

But is it unsophisticated to be respectful? Our cultural environment is such that socially, most of us would never dream of addressing an older person by their first name. Why, then, is it acceptable at the office? And why is it not applicable to both genders? If Naeem in accounts can be Naeem Bhai without anyone batting an eyelash, why can’t I be Sarwat Baji?

Some people are of the view that attaching Apa to a woman’s name attaches years to her age. Remember that line, “Aunty mat kaho na!” which was played up for laughs because a woman would apparently sooner die than be considered of a certain age? Do people still think like that?

I seriously doubt a woman, after working long and hard to reach a position of seniority, would be offended that her colleagues didn’t treat her as though she were a blooming teen. Or perhaps calling me Apa will somehow diminish my younger colleagues’ capabilities?

Is that even an issue, considering that this year’s crop of graduates was born probably in 1995, the year I sat for my first O-Level exams? I could say, with absolutely no intention of putting anyone down, that “I was deconstructing economic models when you were still in diapers,” and it would literally be a fact. In any case, expecting a youngster to be courteous towards an elder is not, in any way, diminishing.

Maybe my female seniors would prefer a Saheb-equivalent term to be used with their name, but don’t say so because people might think they were being outrageous or — gasp! — non-modern! I don’t suppose they would like to be called Begum, which is admittedly archaic, and extremely classist, but how about Bibi? It’s a nice word, applicable in most scenarios, with no risk of a possible faux pas — such as might happen when trying to work out whether to address a woman as Miss, Mrs or Ms.

Apa, too, is a lovely term, and Baji goes very well with certain names. To each her own, I suppose, but personally speaking, if the kids in IT wanted to call me Sarwat Baji, I wouldn’t think it unprofessional of them at all.

The writer is a staffer.


Originally published in Dawn, Sunday Magazine, October 16th, 2016

Comments

Harmony-1© Oct 25, 2016 04:38pm
Politely and with respect - that's how the women should be addressed!
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Ghosh Oct 25, 2016 04:41pm
Not always do they call their professors by their first-names in the western societies. Addressing with a Mr. is rather the norm than a deviation.
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Jalbani Baloch Oct 25, 2016 05:06pm
In Saudi Arabia, the working women are addressed 'sisters' and male are called out as 'brothers'. These two words sound very well and can be easily adopted in Pakistan. Let us be known as brothers and sisters at our work places.
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Mahmood Oct 25, 2016 06:13pm
Why express such shock and bewilderment over such a trivial matter? Most Pakistanis have yet to learn not to litter everywhere, not to dump their garbage on the streets, and not to spit anywhere! The nation may have acquired Nukes, Smart Phones and 4G Networks, but is still stuck in the 18th century in terms of mentality!
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Skeptic Oct 25, 2016 06:17pm
In Europe, you could be formal and address your superiors as Mr, or Ms/Mrs as the case may be. In the US, you are allowed to address even senior managers, executives and your own boss by his/her first name. Nor formalities requires in oral or written discourse.
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M. Malik Oct 25, 2016 06:40pm
If you can teach the public not to park everywhere, or not to throw trash anywhere. Or stop pitting in public, that would be good start. Before they come to the work place, they have to learn to behave in their neighborhood and on the roads, and abide by certain courtesy and decorum for the good of everyone.
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East indian Oct 25, 2016 06:48pm
@Jalbani Baloch in south, west and north india, you call everyone by name including your boss, except east india like kolkata, where employees call 'Da' and 'Di', which means brother and sister. I had to acclaimtized to the these rules with little bit uncomfortably. But corporate culture in india directs every employees to call by name and talk in english inside a company.
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Arsalan Siddiqui Oct 25, 2016 06:51pm
Nice; finally someone has addressed this rather serious issue.
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Agha Ata Oct 25, 2016 06:52pm
Addressing all women as Ma’am and all men as sir, regardless of their status and age, is the only way to do it. This is the most civilized way to be respectable to everybody, and why not? We are doing it all the times in America. I know it would be difficult for Pakistanis to say Ma’am to their maid, or sir to their servant, as they cannot even sit with them for a cup of coffee. To them I would say, grow up folks.
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MIRZA Oct 25, 2016 07:03pm
Just wow! joyful reading. thanks
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Ayesha!!!! Oct 25, 2016 07:03pm
Just call everyone by their first name, men women junior senior. Respect is in your behaviour tone attitude, not in a salutation....
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MIRZA Oct 25, 2016 07:11pm
@Jalbani Baloch why just stop at brothers and sisters,why not cousin,uncle , aunty, nephew,niece.
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Worker Oct 25, 2016 07:13pm
@ Author: Thank you for raising the issue. Two solutions that have worked for me: 1) Using Miss, regardless of marital status. So you would be Miss Sarwat. 2) Using 'Jee' after the name. So for example, Sarwat Jee asked me to bring this file to you. It's very respectful and female colleagues (senior and junior) have really liked it.
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XYZ Oct 25, 2016 07:47pm
Here's a thought: if someone tells you how you to address them, treat them with respect by honouring their wishes. And if you would like to be addressed in a particular way, tell people. This is such a non-issue.
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Aqib Oct 25, 2016 07:57pm
This is what happens when a country/nation does not owns/stands its own culture/language, and always tries to copy "what others are doing".
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Osmani Oct 25, 2016 08:05pm
@Harmony-1© .. exactly my thoughts. Case closed.
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Ijaz Oct 25, 2016 08:15pm
How should Pakistanis address women at the workplace? The answer is simple: exactly the same way you would address a man in a similar position.
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qaiser Oct 25, 2016 11:41pm
Women should be called by their first name unless she wants otherwise.
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WaheedNoor Oct 25, 2016 11:48pm
In the USA we always addressed our teachers by their first name, That is how they introduced themselves. Then when I started working we always used our first names and even the CEO of the companies were addressed only by their first name. No Sir, no Madam. Even the President of the USA is addressed as Mr President. That brings us to the curious problem of how to address Ms Clinton when she (not if) becomes the POTUS and how her husband, the past President, Mr Clinton would be addressed. Protocol requires him to be addressed as Mr Clinton only as there can only be President at a time in the USA. And perhaps Madam President for Hillary.
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SiddiqiS Oct 25, 2016 11:57pm
I think one way forward is to change the ideas that come to mind at the use of terms like Baji/Apa/Bibi - as the writer's correctly suggested. What happens is that we tend to have fixed impressions of women in those categories, and we are unable to associate them with the success and professionalism expected at (often male-oriented) work environments. For instance, if we've grown up always knowing Apas and Bajis to be homemakers or such, we're not sure why that category is now at the office. This means we're not thinking deeply enough about the role of women across different social spaces.
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Senora/Sahiba Oct 26, 2016 12:10am
I am referred to as Senora in South America, Hanim in Turkey Khanim in Tajikistan Gozpoja in Bosnia Ms in North America. I do not like having the word 'jee' put at the end of my name. In Pakistan I would prefer to have the word sahiba attached at the end of my name.
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Bahadur Oct 26, 2016 12:35am
I like the Western style where we call co-workers and colleagues by their first name. Most of the time here in USA people are addressed by their first name. One of the few exceptions is teachers. Teachers are addressed by Mr., Dr., etc.
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Sindhu Oct 26, 2016 12:39am
Wat a fuss abt nothing.....
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UnshacklePak Oct 26, 2016 12:56am
Sarwat Jee. Sarwat Sahiba.
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Kamran S Oct 26, 2016 01:17am
Here in the US, we call our managers, directors, even CEOs with their first name. No Mr/Ms/Sir/Madam. Then again, the English language also doesn't have the barrier or respect, like AAP/TUM/TU. Everyone is a YOU
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Ms Ahmed Oct 26, 2016 03:11am
I am a woman and have a more than 10 year of experience working in Pakistan and outside Pakistan. The best way is to call everyone by their first name, no matter how young or how old they are. First it seems awkward but you will get used to it. I am not particularly fond of 'baji-bhai' culture at work places, but I do not mind if someone calls me baji as I assume they just want to show respect. Urdu is a beautiful language where you can use 'aap-janab' to show respect. Use it with using people's first names.
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Akmal Oct 26, 2016 03:37am
If someone ask you to be called with first name please do call him with first name. It is your judgement. But use Mr/Ms /Dr with last name always. Using Sahib or Sahiba is not a bad idea. I use Ji after first name when I call my daughters.
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Old man Oct 26, 2016 05:34am
An article where none was required There is not a single workplace where this has ever been an issue and work is affected because of it.
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SyedChaudhryGangaDinKhan Oct 26, 2016 06:35am
Address them by their name.
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Moiz Oct 26, 2016 06:42am
If I was running my company in Pakistan I'd address the writer as Ms. Sarwat (a neutral alternative to Mrs. or Miss) until she asks me to use her first name, which I'd hope she would to cut down on the formalities of a busy work group. However, working women, especially the young generation, should themselves define how they ought to be addressed in the workplace. This is their prerogative, after all. Women in management positions should also study the addressing protocols in the Pakistan Army/Air Force. These are seasoned institutions that balance formalities and function with their female workforce very well.
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sukhera Oct 26, 2016 07:24am
Recently I saw a Pakistani Drama where the younger sister was calling her older sister as APi. I think the word APi has more respect for the senior member and does not add years to the other person. I don't know the origin of the word but it sounds great.
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Tahir Oct 26, 2016 08:28am
You can call any female colleague ( senior or junior) by their first name and still have the utmost respect in your heart . Problem with us is that our respect is in words rather than inside your heart. And ya leave family antiquates and names from work place.
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KT Oct 26, 2016 09:25am
First Name and madam or First Name and sir is still respectable still depends on work culture of your organization.
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Ab Oct 26, 2016 09:44am
How about calling her Boss? My juniors tend to do that.
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Ab Oct 26, 2016 09:45am
I hate being called sister at work - i have only one brother.
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Naqvi Oct 26, 2016 09:56am
Sir & Miss works
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naveed Oct 26, 2016 10:24am
by first name most of the time...unless they want a prefix themselves
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Mona Oct 26, 2016 10:53am
Do we really need to put all these unnecessary titles with anyone's' name? either man or woman. In a professional workplace, everyone is a colleague and equal and there is nothing to do with your age. Please stop tagging people with Sahib, Bhaee, Apa Bajee etc.
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Tahir Oct 26, 2016 11:31am
Sahib and Sahiba . How about that?
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Irfan Saeed Oct 26, 2016 11:32am
Ma'am works best, Ma'am. :D
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Mustafa "Bhai" Oct 26, 2016 01:57pm
Fantastic article! I also believe in addressing everyone according to our cultural norms. But you are right it is difficult when it comes to women. Now at 33, calling anyone apa or baji, except those clearly and unambiguously over 50 does seem daunting. Kia pata bura maan jaein. Will give it a shot though!
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Maleeha Sattar Oct 26, 2016 02:54pm
I think when we are using 'bhai' we are seldom refrerring to the age of a person. However, appa and baji are certainly first about the age and then respect. The problem isn't that women feel uncomfortable with the titles, it is connotations attached with these titles and even the tones in which they are often uttered that causes the uneasiness.
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Mohtaram Oct 26, 2016 03:43pm
My dilemma! I had faced the same perplexing situation many a time. I end up addressing her with 'Ma'am' when she is older and 'Mohtarama' when she is younger or peer. :D
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Agha Ata Oct 26, 2016 07:08pm
@Agha Ata Please also remember that a maid working in your home is also a work- place situation for her. Besides, Ma'am is ths short form of "madame."
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Sonny Afridi Oct 26, 2016 07:54pm
In Turkey they say "hanim" which is kind of like begum.
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Sonny Afridi Oct 26, 2016 07:54pm
@Jalbani Baloch agreed sir!
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thejag Oct 26, 2016 08:01pm
@Harmony-1© we know that. But you are totally missing the idea whats meant to be said here
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thejag Oct 26, 2016 08:02pm
@Skeptic I work in Germany, and we address everyone with first names.
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Kamran Oct 26, 2016 08:05pm
I have a lot of older friends (older than my parents) and I've been asked to call them by their first name but that feels too odd to me so I affix "ji" to the end of their name. So Shireen becomes Shireen Ji. Try it. It's the best method I found.
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Seema Gul Oct 27, 2016 12:03am
Why not call her Bibi? It works for everyone!
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Shahram Oct 27, 2016 09:32am
Ma'am, Baji, Miss, Maidum, Seester, Mohtarma, ma'am ji... Phew that was easy, what the need for a whole article :D
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Faisal Oct 27, 2016 09:52am
@WaheedNoor If you really were living in the states you'd know that most teachers are called Mr with their last name, just some teachers prefer to be called by their first name. And a female president is called Madam President, there's nothing wrong or weird about it.
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Rational Oct 27, 2016 09:56am
I have always been addressed as Rana Sahib from CEO to guards and peons everybody has addressed me like this since my first job and at other work places as well. Be it vendor or anybody. Some have tried to call me by first name but could not set the trend.
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Salman Naseer Oct 27, 2016 11:59am
'Muhtarma'. Your forgot to mention 'muhtarma'. Although it also suffers from the too-many-syllables issue, but I personally think it is not as archaic as 'begum' or 'sahiba'. Anyway, my personal practice is to address all female coworkers - irrespective of the age-gap between me and them (I am 34 ,by the way) - as 'ma'am'. Works for me at least!
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Rizwan Oct 27, 2016 01:34pm
@Mahmood Very well said. That comment calls for a Mic Drop!
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Arslan Oct 28, 2016 02:17pm
What an absurd commentary on a trivial issue! You refer anyone with first name or attach prefix, but all should be done with respect. The end. Dont make such hulla baloo of a non issue.
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